Of course this story comes out of Florida.

It’s a story as old as time - man meets woman, woman gives man sliced bread, man wants a roll, woman slaps man upside the head with meat.  Ah, young love.  Elsie Egan, of Dunnellon, Florida, said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that if she hit the victim with meat, it was the meat of her fleshy palm.  Her reasoning was priceless.  Elsie Egan hit a disabled man “so that he could learn.”  Learn what, we may never know.  Leave your best bread-based guesses in the comments.  Watch out, though, she has been released on bond.  Remember to keep your roll-based preference to your damned self!

Brian Bonsall arrested for assault

Seriously, that butterfly disturbs me.

You may remember him as the adorable kid that Family Ties used to jump the shark, but these days he’s a creepy looking dude with an oddly feminine throat tattoo…and a drunken brawler…allegedly.

According to police reports, Bonsall “got into a fight at an apartment on Saturday and hit a friend with part of a broken wooden stool.”  The former child star’s defense? “I was drunk and don’t remember.”

Well, then…that makes it all OK…

It’s just too easy.

Carrie Prejean is dumb as hell, y’all.  First, she accused Larry King of “being extremely inappropriate” after King asked her why she settled.  Whether or not Larry King is a journalist is up for debate.  Hell, whether or not Larry King is still alive is up for debate.  But what is undebatable is that Carrie Prejean is an idiot.

First, she attempted but failed to storm off Larry King’s show.  So she took off her mic (right when Larry took a call from a man in Michigan asking her a non-sex tape related question) and then just sat there smiling and talking to someone off camera.  When asked whether or not she could hear Larry, she answered “No, I can’t hear you.”  DUMB.

Then she canceled an appearance at the Capitol City Club–a Republicans only event–where she was slated to give a speech.  She canceled five minutes prior to her appearance because, apparently, she was afraid of being asked questions about the sex tape.  And, she was afraid of being asked about the latest allegations that she called up the ex-boyfriend for whom she made the sex tape and asked him to LIE and support her (false?) claim that she made the solo sex tape when she was 17 and not two years ago.  Her ex has called bullshit and told TMZ that she made the tape two years ago when she was 20.  If the claim turns out to be true, then her mea culpa that it was a mistake that she made when she was 17 and too stupid to know any better is a bald-faced lie:

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How ‘Bout You Do THAT, and NOT Leave Your Kid In A Box Under The Babysitter’s Bed (Or In a Plastic Bag In A Truck, or With A Fictitious Nanny, Or Whatever.)

This kitten was probably not abandoned and/or murdered. I just thought you might want to look at a sweet tiny kitten.

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS GOING ON, Y’ALL. Why are people doing weird shit like abandoning and/or murdering their kids when THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL HAPPILY TAKE THEM. People who likely would also pay for stuff like hospital bills, travel expenses, and the welfare of the mother (uh, vitamins and vodka an’ shit, I guess.)

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THESE ABANDONED AND/OR MURDERED BABIES ON THIS MOTHAFUCKING PLANE.

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Rihanna Wishes He Hadn’t Punched Her in the Face

Rihanna appeared on 20/20 to openly discuss Chris Brown’s assault.  Describing the February 7 attack:

She says all she kept thinking was, “When is it going to stop? When is it going to stop? He had no soul in his eyes. Just blank. He was clearly blacked-out. There was no person when I looked at him.”

Chris Brown, obviously not too happy that she revealed him to be the doosh that he is managed to crawl up a level on the doosh-o-meter by claiming that the details should remain private:

“I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us,” he said in the statement to MTV. “I do appreciate her support and wish her the best.”

Yeah, ladies.  Next time your supposed loved one beats the shit out of you, for heaven’s sake, don’t talk about it!  Just, you know, shut up like a good girl is supposed to and let the asshole make his inevitable apologies and promises to “never do it again.”

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Why NOT Call 911 Over And Over Again?

Hee Orama’s boyfriend is a LYING BASTARD, y’all! He told her he would marry her! And then he didn’t marry her! Which is a mean thing to do to a woman prone to being full of crazy! And what do you do when somebody does mean things to you? You call the police, duh! In fact, Hee called them four times, because the first three times she was told by the 911 dispatcher to stop calling 911 over nonsense, well, maybe she just thought they were being mean to her. And what do you do when people are being mean to you? You call the police, duh! Then they come pick you up and put you in jail, which is what happened yesterday morning.

Fortunately, jail is a familiar environment to Hee, because she was there just last week. Because you know how sometimes, you go to the mall or something, and when you come out you’re all “oh, dang, there’s a LOT of cars here, and mine’s one of ‘em, but damned if I can find it”? So then you call 911? And they tell you to stop calling with nonsense, but they’re just being mean, and so you call 911 again? And then they keep telling you to stop calling them, so you call them a couple more times? And then they come and pick you up and put you in jail? It was a lot like that.

You know what else is an emergency? McDonald’s telling you they’re out of Chicken McNuggets.

Lady Calls In her Own Her Drunk Driving Offense

Mary Strey, 49 of Wisconsin called the police to report herself for drunk driving. And for that, she either gets the Awesome Award or the WTF! Award–I think it’s a combination of both.

After drinking about eight brandy and cokes (noob! always drink jack and coke! ALWAYS!), she got behind the wheel. I reckon she realized that she was too damn drunk to be driving and decided to make a citizen’s arrest… of herself.

Oh, the hilarity.

She called 911 and slurred to the responding dispatcher, “Somebody’s driving really drunk down Granton Road.” The dispatcher asks her where on Granton Road, and Mary explains where this mystery drunk driver is. Finally the dispatcher asks Mary, “You behind them?” to which Mary hilariously responds, “No, I am them.”

The dispatcher, who probably had never gotten a call like that in his life sounds perplexed: “You am them?” he asks her. Mary responds, “Yes, I am them.”

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How far would you go?

Susan Finkelstein of Philadelphia, PA is a super fan of the Phillies.  Such a super fan, that she decided it would be a grand idea to solicit sex for World Series tickets, on Craigslist,  so that she could catch her beloved Phillies losing playing live against the evil empire that is the New York Yankees.

“I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other,” her ad read.

She was busted when an undercover police officer responded to the ad wherein she offered to perform lewd acts on the officer in exchange for the tickets.  I’d like to see the Philadelphia Phillies organization give her tickets for being so obscenely fanatic.

Let’s hope they charge them as adults

Florida teenager Michael Brewer owed one of the boys who dumped gasoline on him and set him on fire forty dollars for a video game. When Michael didn’t repay the money, the boy stole Brewer’s father’s bike. Michael called the police and reported the theft. The boy who stole the bike was arrested and spent the night in a youth detention center before being released to his parents custody.

The boy and four of his friends surrounded Michael chanting “He’s a snitch, he’s a snitch” and “pour it on him” as they doused him in rubbing alcohol and then set him on fire.

What the fuck is wrong with these kids?

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And They Are LOL’ing, WTF’ing, And OMG I JST CRSHDROFL!’ing

I thought it was insane ten years ago when people started driving like idiots because they were on the phone. Jeezus H. On A Crouton, people wander around blindly into traffic ON FOOT when they’re on the phone (sometimes with their DOGS! That’s when I brake. Otherwise, I’m thinking “yeah, I know they’re not worth as many points as somebody that’s actually aware of oncoming traffic, but whatevs. I’ll make it up later with a marathon runner who thinks they own the road because they’re training for a charity run.”)  But now everybody and their mother is texting. Have you ever WATCHED anybody who’s texting? People who claim to be excellent multi-taskers are suddenly glazed over, completely shut off from their surroundings, as they toddle off into traffic/ stranger’s homes/ stairwells unbeknownst to them.  Ever tried to TALK to somebody who’s texting? IT CAN’T BE DONE. They’re using every single faculty they have. They are THE WALKING DEAD. And they think they can text while DRIVING.
My home state o’ Maine recently passed a new “Distracted Driver” law, effective this past September.
Aaaaand here’s our first brand-new-law-breaker!
Jessica Jones, 19, (allegedly, but DUH) just plain ol’ drove right off the road while texting, into a utility pole - snapping it in two.

“She just drove right off the road. I don’t think she was speeding even,” Sgt. Charles Denault said.

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It must have been one hell of a party

Something was afoot in Florida on Tuesday. I’m sure it started out a normal night for the police but then they spotted something out of the ordinary: a naked man riding a motorcycle. Apparently J. Dante Krauss had to much of the happy sauce and decided to go for a little joy ride. I’m not exactly sure why he was in the nude but I’m sure there was a logical reason; stupid things always sound like a good idea when you’re drunk. When the police gave J. Dante a breathalyzer test, his blood alcohol level was a .08.  As a result, he took a trip to jail and was booked on his 5th DUI.

Who keeps letting this guy ride off after he’s been drinking? If he was my friend, I’d just tape him to the chair if he tried to leave; and if he argued, I’d just tell him I’m saving his stupid ass $20,000. Friends don’t let friends act like jackasses in public.

Facebook Status Update, DHURRVS

Say you’re a junior high school aged kid, and you and your friend are out walkin’, just chillin’, and somehow find yourselves in a storm drain, and can’t find your way out. That would be scary, right?

But wait! You have cell phones! HOORAY! You have two options.
Option One: you frantically text your whereabouts and state of terrified anxiety TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. Then you frantically await to be notified of your friends’ replies! Which will likely go as follows:

“UR WHERE? THAT’S CRAZY LOL!”

“a storm drain? WHAT IS THAT? btw, i need my english notes back! cross ur fingers, test tomorrow lol hope I pass this time”

“srsly, only u 2 could get trapped in a fukn drain! lrofl!”

“rly? omg!  u ok?  don’t go anywr - gotta p brb”

“I alwys new u’d get trppd in a strm drn haha good luck lmaoroflbbq”

“wharrgarblwharrgarblwharrgarbl+otherstuff”

“shud i call someone? i’m calling someone. wait i’ll find the nmbr to 911. hang on.”

Option Two: you call emergency services, and not waste your cell phone batteries on fucking around with your friends, as that will delay your rescue by HOURS.

Obviously, you choose Option One, because YOUR PARENTS ARE IDIOTS WHO HAVE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING.

Someone needs to lay off the butterscotch pudding before bedtime

An 84-year-old one-legged wheelchair bound woman named Bertha Burrows barricaded herself inside her apartment at Middlecrest Crossing, a senior community in New York, and threatened to start busting some caps.

Bertha held the New York State Police and Middletown SWAT teams at bay for over two hours. She believed someone was trying to poison her and was stealing from her, so she grabbed her .22-caliber rifle and decided to put an end to the tomfoolery. The problem was, Bertha was tripping balls.

Police officers were able to talk her down and the standoff ended peacefully. Bertha was taking a new medication that the police believe was causing her to hallucinate.

The way I see it, one of three things was happening here. One, Bertha had a bad reaction to her meds and went all Heart of Darkness. Don’t get off the boat, Bertha. You never get off the boat.

Two, someone really was poisoning her and stealing her stuff. The most likely candidates are her kids or grandkids, but you can’t rule out the other residents. Maybe Bertha had a sweet pad with the best view of the squirrel feeder, and some bitches be jealous of her.

Or maybe, just maybe, her beetus was getting the best of her.

Do-Gooders, Jellyfish Pay Price

You know how sometimes people think they’re playing an hilarious practical joke, but because it’s really douchey and unfunny nobody laughs? And then the guy playing the “practical joke” gets all pissed, and starts acting even douchier? You know the type; we all do. Well, here is a story about just that guy.

Keith Edward Marriott, 41, was at Madeira Beach in Florida on Monday, and thought of the funniest practical joke ever! He pretended he was DROWNING! Apparently, the first person who tried to rescue him didn’t respond by breaking into belly laughs when Keith yelled “Ha-Ha!” so he decided to keep doing it until he found someone with a sense of humor. Which never happened, despite his repeated performance of this riotously witty joke. Surely, you can understand how very frustrating this must have been for Keith!

Well. Everyone has their breaking point, people. Keith finally got angry at all the humorless strangers on the beach for not “getting” his joke. That’s when he began flinging jellyfish at them. And really, who among us can say that they didn’t deserve it?

Jellyfish are also notorious for their inability to take a joke, so you KNOW they deserved it, too.

On His Fragile, Fragile Ego

Chris Brown says Oprah SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE, y’all!
Well, something like that. Here’s what he really said, when asked by People Magazine about Oprah’s show on domestic abuse, inspired by Rihanna:

“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’ “

Oprah! How could you be so spiteful, so thoughtless, so ungrateful to this young man who has DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU? He went to Africa AND PERFORMED AT YOUR SCHOOL! Apparently, Oprah, you have violated one of the most basic of rules, which is “I go perform in Africa for you; now you don’t defend the girl whose face I mercilessly beat to a bloody pulp.” Really, Oprah. Manners!

Two college kids, a recent graduate and a townie walk into a bar…

Some asshats in Bennington, Vermont thought they were being prank GODS! when they decided to steal a neon chili pepper sign from the top of a Chili’s Bar & Grill. As an aside, how did I know it was going to be college kids even before I read the article? Oh yeah, neon signs are the height of college interior design. The plan? Run 470 feet of extension cord from an outlet, across a highway, through a Home Depot parking lot to the Chili’s. From there they would use an electric drill and, in an act of civil disobedience, free the sign and let it frolic with other, non-domesticated, neon signs.

Say what you will, but what these kids lacked in ingenuity, common sense, panache, cleverness and taste they made up for with sheer idiotic will. Anyhow, they were all cited for grand larceny.

I am starting a petition for sterilization, because that kind of mess should NOT be passed on. No word on what prompted the attempted thievery, but my guess is they didn’t understand the meaning of “guiltless grill,” and thought it was a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Avoids the prison time and butt rape he deserves

I have mixed emotions about the suicide of Ryan Jenkins. One part of me is happy that the wife-killing asshat is dead but the other part of me feels like he got off too easy. I would have liked to see him go to trial for the brutal murder of his wife. He knew that he was guilty and that prison rape awaited him when he was caught, so he decided to end it himself so he wouldn’t have to receive his punishment. There’s a special place in hell for people like him. I can only hope that his death gives Jasmine’s family some sort of peace.

Just add asshole

A London man was killed yesterday when he was struck by shards of glass as he knocked his girlfriend through the front window of a Banana Republic in West London.  Witnesses say the couple were arguing when he began shoving her into the shop front window, and that his final shove (literally) was hard enough to send her through the window. As the window shattered, he was struck by a piece of glass that severed an artery, and he bled to death before paramedics could arrive. His girlfriend suffered only minor scrapes and bruises.

No deity has stepped forward to claim responsibility, but Buddha is currently smiling knowingly.

She’s just got to have it

Ella is the raccoon of the people world. When something catches her eye she just has to take it. You see, Ella has a bit of a shoplifting addiction. On August 2, she was arrested and plead guilty to her 61st shoplifting charge. Now I know it’s just petty theft if you are stealing some wrinkle cream and fish, but you’d think after her fifth or tenth arrest, they would take more drastic measures to deter her. They probably have an express line just for her in the courtroom. One thing I know for sure: I would not eat salmon that had been in somebody’s pants. Not even my own.

Amy Winehouse-ism is a global problem

Dang, yeaux.  I guess when fools need they heroin, fools need they heroin.  And not Cruise, or jail, or house arrest, or dogs who sniff your butt searching out the  heroin hiding within will stop a fool from trying to get they heroin.

Cameron Douglas, that hipster looking son of one Michael J. Douglas needed him some heroin.  So he asked his girlfriend to bring him some… hidden in an electric toothbrush.  The only problem is that he was ALREADY UNDER HOUSE DETENTION FOR POSSESSION WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE CRYSTAL METH. (A crime for which he faces up to ten years in the hoosegow.)

According to a federal complaint, a security guard overheard a phone conversation in which Douglas asked for a toothbrush. Douglas “appeared to be very concerned about when the toothbrush would be delivered,” the complaint says. According to another guard, Douglas had already been provided with a toothbrush a few days earlier.

Needless to say, his girlfriend got her ass arrested.

Come on, Cam.  You think those people monitoring your house arrest haven’t seen every trick in the book?  You think they aren’t tapping  your phones?  You think the guards at the courthouse jail are stoopid?  You think they aren’t watching you like a hawk?  You think Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn’t have the whole T-mobile team and their friends, family, and fave 5 all over your ass like white on rice? Man alive. What in THEE hell is wrong with people?

Having just come back from eating a delicious Vietnamese meal, and topping it off with a delicious Vietnamese coffee, I propose this:  If you need you some meth, drink you some Vietnamese coffee.  Because I swear to biscuits, that shit is POTENT AS ALL GET OUT.  It’s got to be stronger than meth.  Also, it doesn’t lead to meth face.

I mean, wouldn’t you agree that a face is a terrible thing to waste?

Source.