Leno still looks like crap

I’ll be perfectly honest here, I have never sat through more than 5 minutes of Leno or Conan. Those types of shows just don’t appeal to me in any way. No Leno, Conan, Letterman, Fallon….. nothing. If I’m up that late I’m watching Adult Swim. For that reason I didn’t really pay much attention when the Late Night War began. However, I had to pay attention after awhile because it was all anybody was talking about. As I turned my attention to the war I noticed one thing: Leno is kind of an ass. Also, I can’t stand to look at him. His massive chin gives me nightmares. On the other end of the war Conan came out looking like late night Jesus. Dude is paying his staff six weeks of severance out of his own pocket. I thought gingers didn’t have souls. Does this mean South Park has been lying to me? I wouldn’t cry for Conan though, after this mess there will be a ton of people looking to give him a show.

This is why people with no friends shouldn’t have phones

Every body’s favorite see-through shirt wearing douche is at it again. Michael Lohan was arrested today. No, being a complete asshat is not illegal now. Michael was arrested for violating his restraining order. Again. He didn’t violate the restraining order his ex-wife and super mom Dina Lohan has against him. The order he violated this time is the restraining order his ex-girlfriend Erin filed for. Much like the order Dina has against him, Erin’s restraining order states that Michael cannot have any communication with her at all. That means no phone calls, no letters, no holding a boom box above your head outside her bedroom window. Nothing. You hear that Michael? She doesn’t want anything to do with you! It seems that his Right Said Fred shirt has interfering with Michael’s ability to comprend this. Oh well, maybe some day he’ll dislodge his head from his ass. One can dream.

If he could fly in real life this wouldn’t have happened

Nathan Petrelli, formerly known as Adrian Pasdar, was driving 90 miles per hour, swerving and just minding his own business on the 405 freeway this morning when some cop decided to pull him over. When the cop walked up to the cars window with his “I am the law” attitude he noticed that the car smelled like a frat house after a kegger. That’s when Johnny Law decided it was time for a field sobriety test. Nathan, I mean Adrian, wasn’t having any of that. After he refused to the test the police man slapped some cuffs on him and hauled his ass to jail. All it took was $15,000 and Adrian was on his way home. You might say $15,000 is a little high for bond and I would agree with you. Apparently if you say hell no to the field sobriety test they charge you a ass-ton of money to get out of jail. I guess the moral of the story is that if you are obviously drunk as hell and were stupid enough to drive don’t fight the sobriety test when your stupid ass gets pulled over.

Is this guy for real?

We all know Brittany Murphy died suddenly at a very young age. To the best of my knowledge the autopsy hasn’t even come back yet. This is not stopping her husband Simon Monjack from filing a lawsuit against Warner Brothers. Simon claims that Warner Brothers fired Brittany from Happy Feet 2 and that caused her to have a heart attack. Come again Simon? There are plenty of people that have been fired and to the best of my knowledge a 30 something year old woman wouldn’t have a heart attack because of it. I might be wrong but something about this just doesn’t sound right to me. Warner Brothers is firing back saying that they never even had a deal for Brittany to be part of Happy Feet 2. All of this kind of pisses me off. I never understood why she was with this guy in the first place. I figured “hey, maybe they just love each other” but the way he’s trying to make a quick buck off of her death really rubs me the wrong way. You’re suing movie studios? Really? Really? Your wife just died. You shouldn’t be worried about making millions off of Warner Brothers for some bullshit reason you pulled out of your ass. Getting fired from a movie gave her a heart attack? An unhealthy diet gives you a heart attack. Getting fired? Not so much.

Copperfield Scores

As you may recall awhile back a woman accused David Copperfield of raping her on his private island. At the time I was thinking “what an assholes” but now I might be revoking his asshole card. The woman, Lacey Carroll, has just been charged with prostitution. There was an incident with another man that just came to light. It seems Lacey met the man in a bar and went back into his hotel room. After they started getting busy she told him to slip some cash into her purse. The man said hell no so Lacey called the cops and said that the guy raped her. Classy. When this came to light the prosecutors decided to drop the case against Copperfield and charged Lacey. I guess when Copperfield said she was trying to extort money out of him he was telling the truth. In light of this I and taking Copperfield’s asshole card and passing it to Lacey. It’s messed up to cry rape lady. Rape is a serious, horrible thing and you shouldn’t use it as a way to get what you want. Lacey is an asshole.

Lumber and crazy meet in the middle

It’s a Saturday afternoon in California and you find yourself at Home Depot shopping for a new faucet fixture. You are in isle 5 minding your own business when suddenly the loudspeaker crackles. You look up in surprise when Dude Looks Like a Lady and I Don’t want to Miss a Thing start pouring over the loudspeaker. This is what happened in a Home Depot in Rancho Mirage, CA this weekend. Apparently Steven Tyler’s crazy lead him to the holy place of home improvement when he felt the need to bless the people with a couple of his hits. Later, Tyler decided to suck helium and sign autographs. This is just freaking random. Only someone who is high as a kite or crazy as hell would do this. I love Steven Tyler.

Starring Gary Coleman and some person who can’t fight off little people

This week it was reported that Gary Coleman had went upside a bitches’ head or something and he was arrested for domestic assault. That report made me roll my eyes for two reasons. Reason one: Gary is a little ball of fury. I don’t know why the hell the guy is so angry all the time. Reason two: how does one get beaten by Gary Coleman? I don’t want to make fun of his size but I’m going to. All you have to do to stop Gary from beating you is put your hand on his head and fully extend your arm….dude wouldn’t be able to reach you.

Anyways, it turns out that Gary was not arrested for acting like an angry fool. His attorney says that he was arrested for a warrant he had for failing to appear in court for some other charge. This has not been a good couple of years for Gary. Did anyone else here watch him on divorce court awhile back? That was some sad stuff right there.

The coolest, hippest, couple in Hollywood is done-zo

Oh no, y’all!  Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, the coolest hippy couple since Cheech and Chong have split up!  Waaaah.  Well, I guess the fact that they never married means they don’t have to go through some nasty public divorce proceedings.  Silver lining?

Apparently they’ve been split up since the summer.

“Actress Susan Sarandon and her partner of 23 years, actor Tim Robbins have announced that they separated over the summer,” her rep Teal Cannaday tells PEOPLE in a statement. “No further comments will be made.”

Aw, maaaaaan!  ::stomps foot::  I really liked them.  I like their politics.  I like the fact that they never married.  I don’t know why I like that fact.  It just seemed cool to me.  Like “we don’t need no stinkin’ marriage.  We’re in love.  And we’re together.”  Plus she was 12 years older than him.  When does that ever happen?  (And she looks great… I don’t even need to qualify that with a “for her age.”  She looks great.  Full stop.)  They have two kids together.  And they just kicked ass, in my view.  And now after 23 years, they just quietly walked away.

Aw, nuts.

In the made-up words of Friedrich Nietzsche: LOVE IS DEAD.

What the biscuits?

Well, we all knew it was coming.  It’s the celebrity way.  Call someone a faggot, or a nigger, or a sugartits (so sweet and tasty!), and just go to rehab!  That’s how celebrities get it done:

In a last-ditch effort to save his marriage, a shell-shocked Tiger Woods will check into rehab to seek treatment for his sexual compulsions and prescription drug use, insiders have told The Enquirer exclusively. The disgraced golfing great agreed to get help at an Arizona clinic after spending the Christmas holiday with his family, say sources. The serial cheater’s decision to get therapy is part of a deal struck with his stunning wife Elin to persuade her not to dump him.

“Elin gave Tiger an ultimatum — seek treatment or forget all about winning her back,” revealed an insider. “Rehab is at the top of the list of things he must do. Tiger will be going into rehab in early January to treat his sexual compulsion and his use of the drugs Ambien and Vicodin.”

First of all, ambien?

Second of all, ambien?  REALLY?

Finally, I’ve never understood the obsession with forcing people to go to rehab just for acting like an asshole.  Are they going to some sort of Asshole Ashram?  Are they sitting in the lotus position while chanting ohm mani padme so sorry for being an asshole?  Seriously, y’all.  Where is this Asshole Retreat?  I know a couple people who should go there.  Hell, I ought to go there every once in a while.

Cripes.

Tiger has really stepped in it, hasn’t he?  He was this goody two shoes-lookin’ fool and now I look at him and all I think is strippers, and whores, and golf, oh my!   And really, when was the last time you thought “golf” and immediately thought “whores”?

Never?

That’s what I thought.

Don’t start booking your TV apology tour just yet… it’s not as effective when you’re divorced

Well, looks like Elin Nordegren is cutting her losses and leaving Tiger’s philandering slutty ass.  She’s filing for divorce.

According to Radar:

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin has decided to file divorce papers, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively.

Too many women and too many lies have pushed her over the edge. The financial terms of the split are going to take a while to work out, but as of right now Elin has made up her mind that she can no longer be married to Tiger, a source familiar with the situation told RadarOnline.com.

“She’s not going to let Tiger talk his way out of this,” the source said. “There’s nothing he can say to erase years of betrayal.”

At least 14 women have been sexually linked to Tiger since Rachel Uchitel was first revealed as Tiger’s mistress for the past five months. When Tiger’s affair with Uchitel became public it led to a bitter fight that ended with Tiger driving his car into a fire hydrant and tree.

Ding dang, Tiger.  One or two out of wedlock penis adventures might be forgivable.  But last I checked, the count was up to, like, 14, and on top of that, the media is reporting that you are rushing to pay off Rachel Uchitel in order to keep her from releasing text messages and voice mails that indicate that she was more than your bang buddy.  She might have been an actual love interest or some shit.

I think your wife might have been able to forgive a couple transgressions–banging some whores or strippers or porn stars as most of the women who allowed you entrance into their cave of shame and disease were.  But actually falling for one?  Texting about leaving your wife?  Telling your mistress that you only married your wife to boost your image?  No.  Nein.  Nyet.  Is no good.  No bueno.  No whizzle fo shizzle.  No wai.  OMG.

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When are they doing the celebrity episode on Intervention?

So you lost custody of your child? That’s sad but what’s sadder is that instead of looking within yourself to reflect, you lashed out at her.

Courtney writes:

“I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she’s lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I’d love to see how that works. She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has.”

I don’t get what she’s throwing down there? She has all Frances’ money or she has as much money as Frances? If she’s really hard up for money instead of taking her daughter’s she can just kill Kurt Cobain’s soul even more by licensing his music out to, ummmmm…..McDonald’s.

Hello, hello, hello, hello

Put the fries on, they are outrageous

Here we are now, supersize us

I have ecoli, I’m contagious

Here we are now, apple pie us

That would totally make me take a chance on some blood borne pathogens. I’m not even joking about my love for the McRib. I KNOW! They aren’t real ribs but they infuse rib-like tastiness in my mouth even if they are just the bastard child of ribs. All they need to do is put that sign up–The McRib is back and my ass is U-turning to go get me some. It’s Christmas for my mouth and don’t deny a few of you out there secretly love it. I’m just the only one brave enough to admit it. If McDonald’s made a McSoylent green burger and it was good, I would eat the shit out of it. I don’t care if it’s made from people. Put-it-in-my-mouth.

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A DUI judge???

File this under things that don’t make sense. Somehow Lindsay Lohan got a gold star from the judge overseeing her DUI probation. Yes, that Linday Lohan. The Lindsay Lohan who is constantly running around acting crazy. The one that clearly has some sort of drug or alcohol problem. What kind of probation is she on??

It’s not fair for me to assume that Lindsay is on drugs. It could be all that fake tanning stuff she uses; I’ve already proven that stuff will rot your brain. I don’t really know what the terms of her probation are and I’m to lazy to google it right now, but I’m pretty sure she hasn’t completely complied. I mean, I’ve known people on probation for DUI and usually they have a alcohol monitoring bracelet and they lose their license. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pictures Lindsay drinking and driving since her DUI. But then again, she’s a celebrity so I’m sure her probation just limits her to 10 drinks a night and she can only do hard drugs on Fridays. Ah, to be famous.

Perez Hilton is named Hispanic of the Year. 

Hispanic Magazine named semen artist Perez Hilton “Hispanic of the Year.” I’ll give y’all a minute to let that Nugget of No Fucking Way sink in.

Perez Hilton is an ass who bring exactly jack and squat to the table, other than a keen ability to ingratiate himself to the celebrities he used to make fun of.

I used to read Perez Hilton. Back when he was pagesixsixsix. Back then, he castigated Paris Hilton on the regular, and I kept reading because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Paris Hilton deserves to be castrated. I mean castigated. What did I say earlier?

But then Paris got her hooks in him and he became her BFF.  After that, it was all over.  Perez’s modus operandi became “get me into a party and hang out and take pictures with me or else I’ll draw a cum stain on your face and tell everyone you’re gay.”

I find it offensive as a person who knows a lot of Hispanic people (heh) that this magazine would name this fucktard Hispanic of the year, instead of say, SONIA FUCKING SOTOMAYOR.

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Douching, I mean duking it out

Michael Lohan has accused Jon Gosselin of “stabbing him in the back,” because he had a business arrangement with Gosselin in which he allegedly would act as what sounds like a freelance agent for Gosselin–he would get Jon work in return for a percentage of his fee–and Gosselin reneged.

“Jon knows what the deal was. I kept him out of harm’s way… and he stabbed me in the back,” Lohan told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Jon has hurt a lot of people in his life, ” Lohan added. “I feel bad for him.”

I want to be happy that these two de-combined their wonder-doosh powers, but I can’t help but be a little sad.  A doosh force of that caliber would have surely eclipsed Speidi. Then again, it might also have eclipsed the sun and caused the earth to enter an eternal state of vinegar winter.  So now I’m torn…

This is me not caring.

Last week, Chris Brown got his underroos in a bunch when he found out that a bunch of retailers, including Wal Mart, were refusing to stock his new CD Graffiti on their shelves.  Like any pissed off person with too much time on his hands, he took to  Twitter:

-” im tired of this shit. major stores blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do…- WTF… yeah i said it and i aint retracting shit - im not biting my tongue about shit else… the industry can kiss my ass.”

Wal Mart was all, “huh?” and released a statement:

“All Walmart stores nationwide have carried the CD since its release, including the Wallingford, [Conn.], store mentioned in the post. This store actually sold through its initial shipment over the weekend. The majority of our stores today are showing they do have copies available.”

Yesterday, Chris Brown took it to the streets Twitter again:

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So leave your camera at home

Axl Rose does not want you taking pictures of his lady friend. If you value your head you will remember this. A member of the paparazzi learned this lesson the hard way on Wednesday at LAX. He was snapping pictures of some woman nobody knows because she was walking with Axl when the woman decided that she wasn’t having any of that. When she started screaming at the photogs Axl came to the rescue by unleashing his fists of fury.

When are these stupid photographers going to learn that people get really pissed off when you just randomly take their picture? I don’t think celebrities should get in trouble when they decide to smack some asshole paparazzi. Can you imagine how annoying it would be to have cameras flashing at you every time you went out? I know it’s the price of fame or whatever but some of these celebrities can’t even go to the 7-11 for smokes and munchies without a swarm of cameras. I know if it was me there would be a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore and I’d flip out and brick a camera man in the face. Paparazzi are assholes.

Why do these people get to keep sucking our air?

Douche and Doucher

Why would either of these fools think any collaboration between them would lead to anything but regret?

“In a new interview with Access Hollywood, Michael spoke about his friend-turned-foe after he was subpoenaed by TLC to testify in the network’s breach of contract suit against Jon.

According to Michael, he had reached a business agreement with Jon, which TLC claims may have violated their exclusivity pact with the “Plus 8” dad.

“I kept him out of harm’s way when there were paparazzi around … and he stabbed me in the back,” Michael told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

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Come on, like YOU knew he had a girlfriend.

Gary Busey, actor, life coach, Twittering prophet, and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson are expecting a baby boy and have been for 7 months.  Well, probably more like 6, since I doubt they knew IMMEDIATELY that Sampson was preggers.  Mazel and tov to the couple.  This is especially glorious given that Busey is 65 and he was able to hold back the crazy long enough to “do it.”  I am not ruling out immaculate conception, however.  Or the fact that “Luke,” as the couple has nicknamed the kid, may be the Kwisatz Haderach.  Anyhow, Access Hollywood made a pretty glaring mistake - let me know if it hurts your face, after the jump.

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Brian Bonsall arrested for assault

Seriously, that butterfly disturbs me.

You may remember him as the adorable kid that Family Ties used to jump the shark, but these days he’s a creepy looking dude with an oddly feminine throat tattoo…and a drunken brawler…allegedly.

According to police reports, Bonsall “got into a fight at an apartment on Saturday and hit a friend with part of a broken wooden stool.”  The former child star’s defense? “I was drunk and don’t remember.”

Well, then…that makes it all OK…

Emails, phone calls and ….sex toys?

File this one under this bitch be crazy. Elenora Redmond must have been touched in some deep way by the movie The Craft. Yeah, that movie from like 12 years ago about the teenage witches. It seems that Elenora developed an obsession with Rachel True from the movie. So what’s a girl to do? She got her email address and phone number and sent her dirty messages. We’re talking dirty here; in one message she said she wanted to fuck her with a cobra . You can’t make this stuff up. When Elenora showed up to Rachel’s house on November 30th with a big ass sex toy Rachel was not amused and she called the police. Now Elenora is sitting in jail with $150,000 bail and a restraining order. Meanwhile, Rachel is stuck with a deep fear of cobras.