A Bale Unto Himself.

It's his party and he'll cry if he wants to.

Today is my friend and squeeperson justinsloe’s birthday.  What can I tell you about justinsloe?  On the first day, he kicked ass.  On the second day, he turned water into beer.  On the third day, he built an ark.  On the fourth day, he saved the unicorns.  On the fifth day, he rocked the casbah and the party.  On the sixth day, he tore down that wall.  On the seventh day, he was born.

justinsloe gets it done.

...and then I was born. Boo ya!

Happy Birthday, buddy!  You’re a real class act.

For she’s a jolly good fella…

Yesterday was the birthday of our dear hag, cooter aka cooter jean aka the legend of cooter jean.

Cooter is… how do you say?… bad ass.  What can I say about cooter that can’t be expressed in drunken poetry?  (Probably lots of things, but here goes nothin’):

There once was a cool chick named cooter

Who seemed like she couldn’t be cuter
It was her birthday,
And I’m here to say,
I hope she can fix my computer.

You know you feel it too. Sentimental, right?  Here’s another, straight from the heart:

There once was a girl who liked ‘vettes

If you said “I can’t ride,” she’d  say “Let’s”

You’d drive and you’d drive

And if you didn’t make it alive

She’d get early onset tourette’s

Here’s another classic, from me to coot:

Cooter jean

She isn’t mean

She makes me laugh

She’s not Zach Braff

She makes cool shit

I’d pay for it

I’d drink jack and coke

just to hear her tell a joke

she’s one bad ass mothertrucker

and i’m supercalifragilistic glad that i know her

Happy Birthday, cooter!  I hope it was a fantabulous one!

Come on squeers! Let’s raise our glasses to cooter’s birthday and leave your best cooter-related poetry in the comment section!

Happy Birthday, my friend.

It’s a certain someone’s birthday today.  You may know him as “ramy.”  Or you may know him as “Iowa apologist.”  Or you may know him, in his drunker and more idiotic times, as “shit disturber.”  I know him as one of my best friends ever in the whole wide world of things.  He’s a miscreant with a heart of gold.  He’s a genius with more brainpower than a mentally challenged rabbit.  He brings gastronomic excellence to those who cross his path.  He’s a sinner and a saint.  A sock and a shoe.  A lawyer and a chef.  A Hawkeye and a Wolverine.  I’d follow him to the gates of hell, but then I’d quickly turn back because it’s friggin’ hot in hell and he knows damn well I don’t like him that much.

Raise your glasses, squeeple.  It’s a celebration, bitches.

Today is my friend Natasha’s birthday.   She’s pretty damn fabulous, let me tell you.  She writes poetry, and she’s competed (quite kick-assedly, I might add) in multiple pole dancing competitions, including the West Coast California Pole Dance Competition.  Aside from her many talents, she’s a great friend, and an all around bad ass person.  While she’s not a bona fide squeeperson (yet), she once inspired a  Squee! (It too was pole-related.  Coincidence?  I think so!)  So, she is deserving of a proper Thundersquee! birthday shout-out.

Nanners, this squee! is for you.

Some day I'll learn to rock the pole as well as Nanners.

(Even if it’s belated.)

A certain Squee(Kat) kept her birth date a secret from us, but the jig is up, the news is out and we can’t let it go by without recognizing it.  So, happy belated birthday, SeaKat! You’ve added cleverness, wit and poignancy to the comments, lent your fellow squeers! and hags a whole lot of support, and often infused moments of insanity with intelligence and common sense.  So today, let us take down a census taker for the fine young SeaCannibals’ dinner while you relax and bask in our adoration.

There is a clever lady named SeaKat
Anyone who’s ever met her can see that
She was born on October 10
Her words flow like a fountain pen
And she’s worth zillions more than she’s valued at!

You don’t look a day over fabulous

In case you don’t know, once upon a time General Zod, Agent Smith (a.k.a. Lord Elrond of Rivendell) and the dude from Memento made a little cult movie called The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. If you haven’t seen it, then get thee to your Netflix page and add it to your queue.

Guy turned 42 this past Monday and I can’t let it pass without busting out on of my favorite Youtube video. Enjoy.

Or as your people say “Feliz Cumpleanos!”

Looky here, squeeple.  I don’t speak Spanish.  And little chelsea doesn’t speak English as her first language.  Yet for years she’s gone toe to toe with The Hags on everything from the deliciousness of food to the messiah-ness of Obama to the crackheadedness of Amy Winehouse.  And just when I find myself thinking “I can’t understand what you’re saying!  Speak English!”  I think to myself, “Cruise knows I wouldn’t be able to argue with her in Spanish.”

She’s a spitfire (and yes, sometimes she actually spits fire) and more than a little loony (but who am I too judge… I’m more than a lot loony) but Thundersquee! wouldn’t be the same without our Costa Rican cousin keeping us honest.  She followed us over from Mollygood and for that alone, we are grateful.

Today is little chelsea’s birthday.  So let’s raise a glass and wish her a happy birthday, Jacksons-style!  (Sorry, there won’t be cake.)

(Four out of five black people in this video can’t sing Happy Birthday in Spanish. Let this be a lesson to you.)

Happy Birthday, chelsea!

Watch Your Step, Errant Boys!

There is a Birthday Girl named TheHobo
Who sometimes nails boys with her crossbow
She’s clever, and sweet
She makes “awesome” obsolete
And she’s more badass than Greta Garbo!

Battlestar Galacti-bale: Extravaganza

Today is TheHobo’s birthday.  Huzzah!  I’ve composed this completely off the wall Battlestar Galactica birthday weirdness.  Hope your birthday is frackin awesome!

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What is it, someone’s birthday?

There is a young Squeer named lava
She just had a new babeh; brava!
Happy birthday to her
Jensen Ack-bale’s secured
And waiting with a big, juicy guava.*

*Well, we TRIED to get Jensen Ackles secured for you, anyway. Happy Birthday!

There’s Never Been A Planet Janet Hasn’t Seen

Happy birthday, Janet, may you continue to discover the universe’s endless mysteries!

Have a great birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing says happy birthday like a Torgo greeting card!

Happy Birthday, Jujubees!

Today is our Queen of Hags and the Original Bedazzler, Jujubees’ birthday. So today, we’re going to present to you a day of Jujubees. Earlier today we brought you a tribute to her favorite Bale and her favorite beer (she may be single-handedly responsible for the sale of this elixir), and we felt it was the best way to kick off this day of Juju. BUT, we owe her far more, because she is, well, because she is Juju.

For those who don’t know, Jujubees, is the Original Hag. It was Jujubees who started our first message board and banded us Mollygood malcontents into a group. Jujubees is the reason the Hags exist, she’s the reason that we are a family. And if it weren’t for Jujubees, there would be no Thundersquee!, and if there were no Thundersquee! there would be no Squeers! Yes. That’s you! You wouldn’t exist. It’s some apocalyptic shit.

Stop freaking out! Let the Bedazzler soothe your soul:

We love her.  We owe her.  And most of all, we bow down to her hilarity.

Because she cannot always be here (she’s got a litter of children that she raises), and because many of you are not familiar with her comic stylings, today, we will present to you just a a tiny gelatinous morsel  of comedy sweetness.

Cheers to you, Jujubees.  If it wasn’t for you, our lives would be a whole hell of a lot less awesome.

Lots of love,

The Hags

Without further ado, Thundersquee! presents: Jujubees’ Jewels:

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Happy Birthday Juju! I hope  your day is filled with cute things and booze!

Bale Light Lime

For our special birthday girl, Jujubees.

She’s a Part-Time Squeer!

Will bark for food. And everything else.

Today is my good friend Mme Marbles’ birthday.  You may recognize her from such comments as “I am obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance.”  Mme Marbles is a certain number of years old today.  She’s young.  She’s hot.  She’s fabulous.  She went to the same high school as Obama.  She’s got super sweet dance moves (you should see her “contemporary feet”).  She gives great hand-me-downs.  And she has two dogs (Georgie is to the right) that won’t stop barking no matter how much one tries to reason with them.

So let’s raise our glasses!

BAROOOO!!!

Make it work.

As Sarah mentioned, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn will be gracing our screens for another season of Project Runway tonight. After a brouhaha about the move to Lifetime and LA, viewers will be treated to the new, west-coastier version, starting tonight. Perhaps the move to a new city and a channel will change the show, and you know I love to speculate. Presented for your entertainment, 10 Speculative Speculations!

You can leave your own after the jump!

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They’re Here

They traveled all this way just to celebrate Sar’s birthday. Luckily for the world, Sar is so awesome the aliens decided not to blow us up on account of the parking ticket.