He will cut a bitch. Trust.

I’ve always suspected that kangaroos were assholes. Cute, but assholes. Now I have proof to back up my suspicions. On Sunday a man was just minding his own business, just walking his dog when he passed a sleeping kangaroo. The kangaroo woke up when they approached and got all pissed off because it was the first time he slept in days and some jerk had to go and wake him up. I made that part up, but I haven’t slept in days so I’m allowed to do that. Anyways, the dog decided it would be a good idea to chase the grumpy kangaroo but unfortunatelyfor him kangaroos are smart. That kangaroo hatched a plan, he led the dog to the water where he tried to drown him. He would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for that meddling human. The owner tried to save his dog but got kangaroo kicked in the stomach before he punched the kangaroo in the throat. Being punched in the throat sucks so the kangaroo took off leaving man and dog alive. Let this be a warning to you, kangaroos are murderous evil bastards in a cute package. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Porpoise Community Seeks Protection For Harboring Dirty, Dirty Snitches

Dolphins are murdering bastards, y’all. Not only are they cold-hearted and unforgiving,  but they have a message to deliver: snitches get stitches, squeakers get beachers. (Dolphins may be clever hitmen, but they can’t rhyme for shit. They make up for it with their ruthless killing style.)

Last year, 74 murdered porpoises washed up in California - murders that were suspected of the notorious Eeee! Eeee! family of the Dolphin Mafia, but were never proved. Recently, a gang attack by dolphins on a porpoise was photo-documented; after the porpoise was beaten to death, the dolphins dragged the lifeless body to the photographer’s boat and then swam away, leaving the body behind. Apparently, it took leaving a murdered body on a photographer’s doorstep (or whatever it’s called if you’re on a boat) for the dolphins’ message to be made public: DON’T FUCK WITH THE DOLPHINS, SNITCHES, OR YOU MIGHT NEVER AGAIN SWIM WITH THE FISHES. (Again; rhyming’s not their thing.) Porpoises know stuff, and they’re being picked off like ripe sea cucumbers as a result.

WHAT DO THE PORPOISES KNOW? Information that may involve found feet? Or the secrets of Atlantis? Or why LiLo continues to somehow be newsworthy? Whatever the case may be, I’m investigating, so I really hope it’s “feet.”

Bi Bi Birdy

Remember the gay penguins?  Well, in news that has rocked the animal world, the big gay penguins have broken up.  Apparently some whore lady penguin’s husb-guin died and the recently widowed penguins saw an opportunity to break up the happy gay-nguin couple living next door.

The 6 year long relationship between Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins at the San Francisco zoo is OVAH.  Last week, Harry left Pepper, the man-guin with whom he had been protecting eggs abandoned by other penguins, and moved into a nest next door with Linda, a recent widow.

Zookeeper Aaron Brown says this isn’t the first time Linda moved in on another penguin’s man:

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All talk and no show.

Here is some catimidation. I think the black cat is wise to the ginger’s game. Never trust a ginger.

The end is nigh!

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a monkey.

This is the start of the war that will lead to the Planet of the Apes. Open your eyes people! Trust me, you won’t think it’s funny when monkeys show up in your neighborhood riding lions and tigers and bears.

Laugh all you want now, but mark my words.  One day there will be a knock on your door and when you open it you will come face to face with a monkey riding a great white shark.

If the monkeys don’t get us, the zombies will. God help us if they team up.

Irrefutable Proof That Hollywood Makes You Dumb

Emperor Penguins, the lumbering galoots of the waterfowl world, are too stupid to find new nesting grounds.

Polar bears rejoice as they are likely to regain the title as the “Cutest Animal Living in the Shittiest Weather.” Unfortunately, they will have to wait until 2100.