Linky-loos you can use.

You know, I hope when I’m older and my bits are a bit jiggly, that I have the vaginal fortitude to slap on a bikini, get out in the middle of a group of young twenty-somethings, and shake my groove thang.  I’d say “you go girl!” but that is sooooo nineties.  Break.com.

People are idiots.  And then they breed.  Agent Bedhead.

For those of you squeepersons who joined us after our dear Janet had to peace out to grad school (somewhere in CANADIA, no less!), I suggest you take a gander at our “GOOPing” category.  It’s comedy gold.  Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow may have broken the law with her latest episode of GOOP.  Also, she continues to suck.  Celebitchy.

The 15 Best Albums of The Aughts as brought to you by the Pajiba commenters.  Arcade Fire, Funeral is number one.  As well it damn well should be.   I’m so going to be following this thread if only to watch the epic flame war that will undoubtedly erupt.  (Oh, and apparently black people didn’t do anything worth listening to in the aughts, so… you know… there’s that.)   Pajiba.

Ease up on the make up, Adam Lambert.  You’re starting to look like Dr. Frank-N-Furter.  Socialite Life.

Linky-loos you can use.

I’m underwater, squeeple.  Can’t breathe.  Lots of work to do before I hit the road for the holidays, and not one nondenominational holiday gift have I purchased.  (Christmakwanzakkuh, anyone?)  If it seems like a ghost town ’round these parts, it’s because most of us are either under 100 feet of snow, or are visiting family without computer access  (is it me, or does everyone over the age of 55 have dial-up, or, as is the case with my parents, still think that you’re a little kid who will break the computer if  they dare allow you to use it even though, you know, like, you’re totes a Blogger now (with a capital “B”) and they wouldn’t know Facebook from Myspace if it tweeted them in the face?)

But… I digress.

I had to share this one teensy tinsy thing.  It sums up my feelings about the Senate health care bill.  Borowitz Report.

Oh and this too, because seriously?  How dumb are you?  Lamebook.

Oh crap, and this one too, because seriously?  How obsessed with Twilight are you?  Regretsy.

Happy Holidays, squeeple.  It’ll be a light week this week, but that doesn’t mean we have forgotten about you, our comrades in squee.  Just remember: Be kind to one another, drown yourselves in egg nog, resolve to break your New Year’s resolutions by no later than January 3, and squeep on squeepin’ on.

(Thanks to Lakshmi for the Borowitz Report tip!)

Linky-loos you can use.

The best films of the decade.  How many have you seen? Me?  17.  And one of them stars Christian Bale.  Oh Bale my Bale.  Pajiba.

As I balance a “real” job that requires more and more of my time and struggle to find time to do what I love which is write for this here blog, and as I become more and more tortured about how to reconcile my “real job” with my “fake job,” this article was exactly what I needed to read today.  Any way you slice it, life is hard.  Doing what you love is hard.  So just do what you can to do what you love, squeeple.  Even if it means subsisting on 6 hours of sleep a night.   Fierce and Nerdy.

The healthcare bill in its current form is absolute utter bullshit.  No, I don’t support it just because it’s “something.”  Yes, Obama (or Obama and his administration as some like to parse it) is pissing me off.  And to think just a year ago I was over the moon ecstatic about going to the historic inauguration.  Obama, you have to do better than this.  Daily Kos.

I yield, you yield, I object, you object, unanimous consent, the distinguished gentlemen, Eddie Murphy,  blarghity blarghity… Somebody wake me up when the U.S. Senate actually does something.  In the meantime, watch Stuart Smalley tell the distinguished fuckwit from Connecticut to STFU.  Gawker.

Bob Downey, Jr. in a jaunty hat.  I don’t care what he puts on his head.  I’ll still go full retard.  Go Fug Yourself.

RuPaul pokes fun at Sarah Palin, Wolf Huntress.  Going Vogue, FTW.  D Listed.

3-D art.  Kick ass + Win.  Holy Taco.

A Brothers Jonae is getting married.  Did the other one get married?  I know there’s three.  Or is it four?  I don’t know which is which (is which).  No don’t tell me.  I care not.   Gabby Babble.

Linky-loos you can use.

Looks like Nicole Kidman dove face first in a pile of cocaine.  Why does her make-up artist hate her so?  Celebrity Gossip.

Nods head in agreement.  Jude Law?  What the crap?!  Go Fug Yourself.

I live within walking distance from the Grove.  (My apartment is about the size of Nicole Richie’s purse.)  Needless to say, no sensible person goes to the Grove at this time of year.   Lainey Gossip.

Darwin dick-riders, FTW.  Fuck You, Penguin.

OK, ladies (hell, and gentlemen too): Raise your hands if you have never been near, around, or within spitting distance of Tiger Woods’ peen?  Put your hand down, Jessica Simpson.  The Superficial.

OK, ladies (hell, and gentlemen too): Raise your hands if you have never been near, around, or within spitting distance of Tiger Woods’ peen?  Jessica?  Did you or didn’t you?  Meh, who cares.  No seriously, did you?  Gabby Babble.

Eight people protested the Jersey Shore.  Is anyone watching this show?  A friend tried to convince me last night that it’s the greatest thing ever.  “Train wreck” great,  I think is what he meant. Four Four.

Oh.  Em.  Gee.  Octomom pimps her spawn.  D Listed.

The 27 Craziest Menorahs.  I want a light sabre menorah.  ‘Jus’ sayin’.  Urlesque.

Obama is blowing it.  Big time.  He’s being slapped around by Joe Lieberman and I can’t support it.  No public option AND we all have to buy bullshit coverage from private insurers?  Nope.  I can’t support it.  Daily Kos.

Linky-loos you can use.

Can someone explain to me in clear and concise sentences (preferably using only monosyllabic words) why in the hell James Franco is on General Hospital?  Seriously.  Why?  I thought you’re supposed to go from soap operas to movies, not the other way around.  Is this some sort of practical joke?  Did he lose a bet?  Well, at least he’s making the most of it, by bringing a bout of the gay to Port Charles (yes, I know the fictional town is Port Charles and no I do not watch soap operas… anymore.)  Jezebel.

Is Google making us stupid?  The Daily Beast.

MacGyver cat!  This cat totally can make a bomb using a tampon, a roll of duct tape, and an apple jolly rancher.  I seent it with my own four eyes.  Fierce and Nerdy.

Caprica!  Caprica!  Caprica! Which is all fine and good but it just makes me miss Battlestar Galactica.  I’ll never get over that show.  Pajiba.

The best indie-films of the decade.  There are two on this list which are controversional: Garden State and Juno.  And two which are not. ::evil stare:: (1) In Bruges. “I’ll have one gay beer for my friend and one normal beer for me because I am normal.” And, (2) Bubba Ho-tep starring Bruce Campbell’s chin of win.  FTW.  Pajiba.

Christ on a garlic rubbed crouton, Tiger is going down… in flames.  Dirty cheeky monkeys.  Radar Online.

Joe Lieberman is a dooshbag.  I can say that.  My mom is a Jew.  Firedoglake.

Golden Globe nominations!  Man, I love me some Streep.  D Listed.

Score one for being a fucking moron.  Emails from Crazy People.

Motherfucking pterodactyls.  The Oatmeal.

That’s what’s up, squeeps!

Linky-loos you can use.

Giving another meaning to the term “North Pole.”  ::rimshot::  Sketchy Santas.

The first rule of dating Aaron Eckhart is don’t talk about dating Aaron Eckhart.  Celebitchy.

This dude thought he had mice in his cabinet.  Except the “mice” turned out to be a woman living in the  crawl space above his apartment and eating his food.  WTF?!  Boing Boing.

Chris Brown is going to punch the music industry in the face.  He done lost his shit on Twitter: -” im tired of this shit. major stores blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do…- WTF… yeah i said it and i aint retracting shit - im not biting my tongue about shit else… the industry can kiss my ass.” Everybody hates Chris. The Superficial.

Oh, this is sure to end well.  Winehouse snogging that bloody heroin junkie chap. DListed.

Being the obsessive grammarian that I am, the first thing I noticed in the two notes is that BOTH OF THEM USE APOSTROPHE’S INCORRECTLY.  (See what I did there?)  Passive Aggressive Notes.

How to use a gottdamn apostrophe.  The Oatmeal.

“Black Negroes” and “Uncle Tomlism,” FTW.  Emails from Crazy People.

Movin’ right along foot loose and fancy squee!… getting there is half the fun come share it with me!

Linky-loos you can use.

Rachel Maddow pwns Richard Cohen, whose book, Coming Out Straight, was cited in talks leading up to the Ugandan anti-gay/kill-the-homos legislation.  She is so full of win.  Shock and awe, Rachel, shake and bake.  Jezebel.

Gretchen Carlson: putting the Fauz in Faux News.  I mean you went to Stanford and didn’t know what “czar” meant?  LIAR! Humperdink, humperdink, humperdink!  Jezebel.

What do you get when Awesome and Win breed?  Jack Robbins.  (Sidenote: Susan Sarandon should teach classes on how to age gracefully.  Nic Kidman?  ur doin it rong.)  Celebitchy.

In spite of my rage I am still just… dating the dumbest person on the planet.  Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan?!  Talk about melancholy and the infinite sadness.  Litely Salted.

Hamlet in Klingon.  Fierce and Nerdy.

Facebook is giving us more control over the shit we share on Facebook.  Seems like more false sense of security measures to me.   I saw Hackers.  Computers and computer nerds shall rule us all.  Just give me my brain chip so I can upload my thoughts directly to Facebook without all the pesky typing.  Gawker.

“You” are the “huge” tool.  Unnecessary Quotes.

5 things that gross women out.  Number one?  Moobs.  Tremendous News.

You know the phrase “it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings?”  According to Miuccia Prada, the ladies slated to appear in the Met’s production of Verdi’s Attila were too fat to be singing, so they are being replaced with skinny ass models.  Prada is handling the costumes for the opera and none of the fatties could fit in her tiny sample sizes.  Couldn’t she just photoshop them?  Jezebel.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it squee!!

Linky-loos you can use.

“Die!  Be ruined!  Eat goddamn… foie gras?”  What does that word say?  Listen here, squeers!  If you’re going to cuss somebody out, then fucking cuss the motherfucker out.  What’s with the fucking asterisks and shit?  Fucking hell already.  Emails from Crazy People.

There’s a War on Christmas, y’all.  And that “Muslin” Obama is at the helm.  Step one?  Decide to send more troops to Afghanistan.  Step two?  Schedule press conference.  Step three?  Preempt It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas.  Step four?  Ruin lives.  Daily Kos.

Keep your grubby paws off my pinball machine!  Passive Aggressive Notes.

John Mayer attempted to do stand up comedy.  No seriously.  The doosh goes on.  Comic’s Comic.

The best take on the Tiger Woods shenannies that I’ve read so far.  Average Bro.

Hot diggity damn, I love me some Bob Downey, Jr.  Celebitchy.

Pffft.  Lindsay Lohan is off to India to save the children or some shit.  Bitch, please.  I lived in India for 6 months.  This was back in’95 before teh Google, and Twitter, and Facebook.  We had to walk uphill both ways just to get a samosa.  AND WE LIKED IT!  DListed.

George Michael tells it like it is.  I don’t care about the bathroom stalls, or the drugs, or the whatever.  George Michael kicks a significant amount of ass.  Lainey Gossip.

Oh Bai Lord.  Go Fug Yourself.

That’s the word, squeeps!

Linky-loos you can use.

Ok, who is going to buy me a mini-piggy?  Because one of these fuckers needs to be bought, put in a walking harness, and given to me right ::stomps foot:: NOW.  Via Daily Candy.

Seriously, Sarah Palin chaps my ass.  She’s a hypocrite with a side of doosh.  First she claims that those who question Obama’s birth certificate have a point (are we seriously still talking about this Birther Bullshit?) but then takes to her Facebook page like some dildouchey teenager and says she never really said it at all.  Sarah? Please do us all a favor and consider dying in a fire. Thank you. Huffington Post.

IDK. LOL. WTF!?! FTW.  Lamebook.

Little Richard has always been insane - whoooooooooooooooooooooooo!  BoingBoing.

McG is ruining our lives.  He’s ruining the Terminator franchise which means he’s ruining Christian Bale’s life, and for that McG must die in a fire.  I hope Bill Murray pierces McG with a lance before McG kills us all.  We don’t need 6 mothertruckin’ Terminator movies!  Stop it!  STOPTHEMADNESS!  (See what I did there?)   Pajiba.

UAE has been experiencing a downturn in heretofore ever-expanding economy.  Their solution?  Giant. LED. Phallus.  Gizmodo.

Make sure you are current!  Here is a decade of hipster evolution so you know if you’re passe.  Paste.

Man, I loves me some Jason Segel.  And now he’s gone and stuck his fuckstick in no man’s land.  And by “no man’s land” I mean “Lindsay Lohan’s lady cavern.”   (Yes, it’s normally “ladyhole” but that seems semantically incorrect when one is talking about that dirty Hohan.  Silly squeeple; you thought I’d make a sapphic joke.  I’m bobbing and weaving, squeeps.  Expect the unexpected.)  Litely Salted.

Tiger Woods was spreading his seed hither and yon with as many as nine women. NINE TIMES.  NINE.  (That’s a Bueller reference for all you noobs and/or whippersnappers.)  The Superficial.

If Katy Perry and Russell Brand have kids, I am pretty sure they would create some super-beast of annoying-ness (uh-huh, so too a word).  All I am saying is, let’s hope there are no buns in said oven until 2012 is firmly passed.  I’m Not Obsessed.

Linky-loos you can use.

There isn’t anything quite like pwnage with a pie chart.  27b/6.

This may, just possibly, be the best correction ever.  Also, Nostradamus ain’t got nothing on Public Enemey.  The Washington Post.

Because everyone needs an Advent calendar.  Keep this around for the month.  Regretsy.

Portia DeRossi: smart, lovely, gay and married.  Can I just say how much I love that she and Ellen are really out there normalizing gay marriage and publicizing the reasoning (which doesn’t include “we want to teach it to your kids and make them gay, ZOMG!”)?  Jezebel.

Hot red-head shares photos on Facebook, and by red-head we mean orangutan.  Gizmodo.

Rich sat through Jersey Shore so you didn’t have to.  Although now I sort of want to so the recaps are even better.  FourFour.

Megamouth, ancient grillz, snake invaders, giant snakes, ghost ship, skeleton, extinct birds, clouds, transparent fish head, humans are lemurs? - this is the sort of Top 10 list I can get behind.  National Geographic.

I call it (f)art.  DListed.

Chicken Cordon Blow?  Boing Boing’s commenters rule.  Boing Boing.

And that’s what’s up, squeeps.

Linky-loos you can use.

James Lipton is awesome as are his beard-sharing PSAs.  Jezebel.

Just watch this.  WATCH IT!!!! I like Fred.  Watch it through to the end for some great editing.  List of the Day via MJMcKean Twitter.

Craigslist prostitution scheme.  Best part of the story?  The defense:  I am a ”skank agent,” not a pimp.  The Smoking Gun.

Hey Rick Warren, sometimes “no comment” isn’t enough?  How hard is it to stand against Ugandan legislation pushing for the death penalty for homosexual sex?  Boing Boing.

You know what?  Twittering your marriage isn’t cute, it is embarassing.  Gizmodo.

Who knew that a panda’s sexy voice was a chirp?  BBC News.

That’s what’s up, squeeps.

Linky-loos you can use.

When you hear “video game sex scene,” what do you picture?  Some busty medieval babe being “taken” by a broad-shouldered mage or some shit?  Well prepare to expand your horizons.  Dragon’s Age: Origins! now features a gay sex scene - and not faux lesbianism either.  Is it weird to think of this as social progress?  Dlisted.

[::In an sing-song voice to non-descript action film music:: ] Space photos - photos from outer space, yeah! National Geographic.

What does Medea have in common with Blackula?  Have we been Bamboozled(tm)?  Has anyone around here ever actually enjoyed a Tyler Perry vehicle?  Fierce and Nerdy.

All out of ideals?  Well, for $19.99 an Etsy entrepreneur will be your sounding board.  Remember, “know question or questions are to dum.”  Regretsy.

I love Meryl Streep.  If you don’t, please send me your name, address and best time to reach you.  I have a lovely brick I think your face would just love.  Lainey Gossip.

Wait, Mila Kunis is dating Macaulay Culkin?  And now all I can envision is Jackie Burkhart and Michael Alig going at it.  Celebitchy.

13 Ridiculous things about Beyonce, the redux, as brought to you by Rich.  Fourfour.

Conservative pundits care about proverbial rape.  Real rape?  Not so much.  Jezebel.  As a salve, some Rachel Maddow Awesome.  Jezebel.

That’s what’s up, squeeps.

Linky-loos you can use.

Could you imagine being trapped in your own body for 23 years?  Motherfuckers think you’re in a coma, but oh no!  It’s not a coma!  You’re just lying there.  Bored to death.  As my friend and squeeperson syndeypup said “I think that is on the ‘Top 3 Worst Ways to Spend 23 Years’ list.“  The Guardian.

What’s better than a dooshy passive aggressive note?  A dooshy incorrectly spelled passive aggressive note.  Passive Aggressive Notes.

What the hell is going on with Val Kilmer?  That’s a serious question.  Just kidding, no it’s not.  Lainey Gossip.

J.Lo fell on her ass-o at the American Music Awards last night.  Something something… she’s got a big butt.  You can write the joke yourself.  I have my own largess to deal with.  I ain’t castin’ stones.  Celebitchy.

Chanukah is upon us.  Time for some coke-fueled orgies at your local synagogue.  The Times.

A cupcake fit for our resident malcontent.  Mae Wants to Eat This.

Fuck you, world! (Simon, call me!)

Adam Lambert is kind of awesome.  His performance last night was “racy” and ” shocking.”  He simulated fellatio with a male dancer! (You know, as a blogger, I really don’t get to use the word “fellatio” enough.  Sounds Christmas-sy, doesn’t it?  “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On Fellatio and Blitzen!” No?  Moving on.)  So Adam Lambert, who’s all “gheigh” and stuff,  got a pretend hummer from a male back up dancer and made out with his male keyboardist.  When interviewed, he said the keyboardist was straight.  Suck on that, homophobic assholes!  No really.  Suck on it.  Adam wants you too.  Oh, and he claims that if his performance is edited for future viewings, it will be discrimination.  Ding dang, y’all.  Was it hotter than the Britney/Madonna make-out session from a few years back?  Rolling Stone.

Dustin knocks it out of the park with his review of New Moon.  Pajiba.

That’s what’s up, squeeps and squeeplings!

(Thanks to ramy and justinsloe for tips!)

[Editor's Note: Do you have tips?  A story?  Is there a new blog you like?  See a wee bit o' hilarity that I should know about?  Send them to me at stopthemadness@thundersquee.com]

Linky-loos you can use.

I’m telling you, squeeps.  Twitter, text messaging, and rampant jackassery are contributing to the degradation of our language.  “Speakless” indeed.  Emails From Crazy People.

Nothing bothers me more than hearing numbnuts on the teevee talking about the Constitution and what our Founding Fathers said when you can bet your sweet ass they don’t know the difference between Thomas Jefferson and George Jefferson.  Look, I don’t think I’m smarter than you because I went to law school.  But if you haven’t read the Constitution, then you don’t know what the hell it says.  And if you’ve read the Constitution but not studied the Constitution, then you still probably don’t know what it says.  Hell, I went to law school and I’m all, “Commerce Clause?  WTF?!”  Average Bro.

Remember when Ryan Philippe had a career?   Wait, neither do I.  Just Jared.

Facebook douche-canoes, FTW.  Passive Aggressive Notes.

L’il Wayne is OK.  I guess.  I don’t really celebrate his entire catalog.  But I do know this; he needs to stop breeding with “unidentified” women. D Listed.

Dita von Teese has a new book out called Dita: Striptease.  Clevah.  Celebitchy.

Regretsy.  Because it’s funny as SHIT.  Regretsy.

Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive in 2009!  I don’t understand this list.  Why not just call it “This Dude is Like Totally Hot.”  I mean, what a pointless list.  Oh whatever.  The Twihards thought that Robert Pattinson had it all locked up:  “ZOMG!  LOZLE can u beleave it?  Edward Cullen is the sexxxiest man alyve and if u dont think sew than ur just jellis!”  Except Edward Cullen isn’t really alive, is he?  Oh People Magazine.  You’re so ironic.  Lainey Gossip.

Squeeple are squeeple, so why should it be?  You and I should get along so squeefully.

Linky-loos you can use.

The man responsible for all of Michael Jackson’s fuckeduppedness (what, it’s a word!) is really itching to get his hands on MJ’s estate.   Joe Jackson is approximately one unit dooshier than Jon Gosselin.  D Listed.

Some adult filmmaker dooshbag is planning to make a movie about the kidnap, rape, and 18 year long captivity of Jaycee Dugard.   First, sports dooshbags mocking  her, and now this?  Shane Ryan, the doosh in question is currently filming Abducted Girl: An American Sex Slave. Sarah’s vagina is pissed, y’all.  Mercury News.

Rosie and Natasha.  Oh my heck.  These are some of the scariest photos ever to be burned into my eyeholes.  D Listed.

Angelina Jolie’s face is blowing up the Internet.  Who is Salt?  And more importantly, is she Sea or Kosher?  Defamer.

Lindsay Lohan freaked the fuck out last night at an opening for Pascal Mouawad’s new watch line at Kitson in Los Angeles.  Apparently Pascal said she could have $500 worth of free shit.  Lindsay ran around the store stuffing goodies into her nether regions and tried to walk out with $15,000 worth of free shit.  When she was told to slow her roll, Lindsay had a temper tantrum.   Ultimately, she was permitted to walk away with $2,000 worth of free shit.  Ding dang, y’all.  I live ten minutes from Kitson, and honestly, squeeps, I don’t get what the big deal is.  They sell crap, crap, and more crap.  To Lindsay’s credit, $2,000 worth of free crap from Kitson probably amounts to a t shirt and one sock, and, dagnabbit, she knows her crazy ass is worth at least a complete pair of socks.  Celebitchy.

Chris friggin’ Brown.  You are outdooshing both Joe Jackson AND Jon Gosselin.  Now make like Joey Gladstone and Cut.It.Out.  Celebitchy.

Any Ryan Reynolds news is good Ryan Reynolds news.  Even when it’s potentially bad Ryan Reynolds news.  Pajiba.

Rihanna is a hot drunk mess.  Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy.  Bossip.

Are you ready to break up with Obama?  It’s been ten months.  His “First Hundred Days” have come and gone.  One blogger explains why she’s still in love.  Fierce and Nerdy.

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, squeepersons!

Linky-loos you can use.

Regretsy does it again. Regretsy.

Jon Gosselin is too famous to get a real job.  And it’s all TLC’s fault.  Now fetch him some hookers and cocaine.  Snark Food.

Listen up, meow.  Are you ready for Super Troopers 2?  I know I am.  And remember… the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.  Pajiba.

How McCute.  Gerard Butler brought his McMom to the McPremiere of his new McMovie, Law Abiding Citizen.  Hummunuh, he looks good in a kilt.  Nothing beats Scotch in a skirt.  Or a Scotsman in a tumbler… on the rocks.  Wait… what?  D Listed.

Don’t mess with a snap diva!  Seriously, y’all.  Watch this shit.  It’s the best ever.  I give it three snaps in a Z formation.   FourFour.

Sarah Palin is on the Big O today promoting her book Going Rogue.  Or is it Going Rouge?  Whatevs.  I’m Going Insane just thinking about how she refuses to start Going Away. Jezebel.

Ken Ober, former host of the MTV show Remote Control died yesterday.  He was 52.  I remember Remote Control. That was back when MTV ruled all.  You know…. when it was MUSIC television, and not ” a bunch of douchebags who are milking their 7 minutes of fame.”  Yeah, it’s 7 minutes of fame.  Not 13 minutes of fame.  Most of these dooshnuggests are too lame to warrant a full 13 minutes.  Um.  RIP Ken.  You seemed like a cool dewd.  And 52 is far too early to go.  Seriously? OMG!  WTF?

Drilling for Scotch whiskey in Antarctica!!!!!????  As my friend, squeeperson, and sheep-lover ramy said: (1) God bless New Zealand; (2) Never trust or join an exploring group called the “Nimrod Expedition”; and (3) This is the first time I’ve prayed for global warming.   Fucking New Zealand!  FTW.    The Guardian UK.

Clickety clack, don’t talk back.

Linky-loos you can use.

Kristen Stewart has been looking pretty good these days.  How do I know?  She gave Lainey a vaginal hard-on.  Lainey Gossip.

Kate Moss is a noob.  Apparently she’s got loads of personal mottos, one of which is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’” You know what skinny feels like?  Being high on teh cocaine.  D Listed.

Will someone… ANYONE… make this dumbass bowl of stupid STFU?  Celebitchy.

What do Harry Potter and Michael Phelps have in common?  Besides both having gills (I know you bitches saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.)  Well you know what else they have in common?  They love the ganja.  Daniel Radcliffe, after toking on a joint, was heard to yell out as he left a party: “I LOVE WEEEEEEED!” Yawn!  Who cares.  He’s what, twenty now?  That’s about the time the kids behold the glory of weed.  (Sometimes it’s a little earlier.  I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything.  No way.  Of course not.)  I Don’t Like You in that Way.

What’s holier than one sex tape and one nude photo?  Eight sex tapes and thirty nude photos.  Her cup of stupid runneth over.  The Superficial.

Oh my stars.    Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are doin’ it, and doin’ it and doin’ it well.  Sadly, neither represents Queens nor was raised out in Brooklyn.  If you listen carefully, you can hear millions of Twihards stabbing pins in their Bella Swan dolls.  Step aside corn. You’ve been replaced.  RadarOnline.

FTW.  Regretsy.

Have a great weekend, squeeple!  And if you see some jackass with a mask and an axe standing outside your door, well, you should…um… keep drinking.

Linky-loos you can use.

Preppy punk?  Oxymoron, emphasis on MORON.  Really, I don’t get how, based on no talent and a nose job, Ashlee Simpson can get yet another new gig.  I mean, in this economy?  The mind, she is boggled.  DListed.

Purdey. Gizmodo.

Cord Jefferson hates old people.  True story. The Awl.

I almost got married in Kelly Pickler’s dress (3d pic).  However, the boobs would not abide.  Also, the jewel thing looks cheap in person.  Also, the material looks cheap.  Basically, I looked like a cheap, wanna be upscale hooker with overspilling boobs.  But she looks nice?  Jezebel.

ET was totally a zombie, dead bloated sloth.  National Geographic.

Don’t call him a doosh-bag, he’s been one for years.  Undoing what the Great Oprah got did, Mike Tyson punched out a photog, proving, once again, he has no self-control.  You’re shocked, I’m sure.  USA Today.

Need some culture, but don’t have the time for long-winded poetry?  Three-line poems can help.  Fierce and Nerdy.

Having problems with your ass or ass urea?  Maybe these products can help.  Gawker TV via Gizmodo.

Shit My Dad Says: Twitter feed, book, sitcom?  Yep.  Let your jealousy rain down like fire from the volcano of your exploded head.  Wired.

Lou Dobbs quits this bitch.  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you. I’m out!  HuffingtonPost.

And that, squeeps, is what’s up!

Linky-loos you can use.

According to Carrie Prejean, the world’s biggest idiot, being “homophobic” means being fearful of men.  Oh, and if she’s a bigot then the President is one too.  Oh and there’s a campaign to silence her.  Um, no.  There’s a campaign for you to stop martyring yourself and embrace your inner whore.  Celebitchy.

We have a talented deviant artist in our midst.  I’m looking at you, potato_sensei.  Deviant Art.

Interested in buying the best t shirts ever?  We have a couple talented t shirt purveyors in our midst.  The shirts are designed by syndeypup and the business is managed by ramy.  You’re gonna wanna stick your arms in these shirts.  Plus they’re eco-friendly– made out of tofu, bamboo, soy milk, and unicorn tears.  Parker and Stella.

Werewolves, and sparkly vampires, and subservient women, oh my!  Seriously Bella and Edward?  Just have sex already so the world can get over this Twilight craze.  P.S.  I’m totes on Team Jacob.  But cornfucker R. Pattz is hot and broody.  His corn is too broodylicious for ya, babe.  Daily Beast

No. No.  Pursing your lips for a picture does not make you look hot.  It makes you look like a duck that just pooped its pants.  Stop making that duckface!

I’ve always loved Meryl Streep.  I mean for serious.  How can you not?  She’s Meryl fucking Streep!  Well you know who hates Meryl Streep?  My mother.  Hates her like I hate Andie MacDowell.  There’s tension over the holidays because of it.  My mom always wants to watch Four Weddings and A Funeral.  I always want to watch Adaptation.  In the end, we just watch Ratatouille.  OK fine, I just made that story up–except I do hate Andie Macdowell and my mother does hate Meryl Streep.  So…. Lainey Gossip.

Tracy Morgan scared the bejeesus out of some audience members who expected to see more “Jordan” than “Morgan.” D Listed.

Eva Mendes is hot.  And she also has nipples.  Shocking!  Egotastic.

Amy Winehouse is going Kim Kardashian on our asses.  First stop?  Boob job.  Next stop?  Butt implants.  When will she realize that the only stop she should ever make is at Rehab?  Stop saying “no, no, no” and start saying “Yes I can (stop smoking crack)!”.  D Listed.

Morrissey is acting like a big crybaby again.  Agent Bedhead.

Keep fuckin’ that chicken, squeeps!

Linky-loos you can use.

Oh mah gah, oh mah gah, oh mah gah!!  Will Smith has signed on to remake Flowers for Algernon.  Flowers for fuckin’ Algernon!  Brilliant!  Amazing!  I love me some Will Smith.  He’s a damn good actor.  Holy shnikeys!  This is exciting biznass.  Although, they better not kill any dogs in this one.  I don’t want to be watching I Am Legend 2 Electric Boogaloo: Flowers for Old Yeller.  Pajiba.

Not all black singers are rappers.  Except Billie Holliday.  She was totes a rapper.   And I sing in the shower.  Which makes me a rapper.  Just call me Young Stopthemeezy.  FourFour.

Don’t call your mom an “aggro bitch” on Facebook.  She brought you into this world and she’ll take you out, Claire Huxtable-style.  Lamebook.

James Gandolfini will bust a cap in yo’ ass.  Soprano-style.  Hey, How you doin’?  KAKOW!  I Don’t Like You In That Way.

Fashion for Tetris lady-nerds.  Killer.  Because Tetris hallucinations aren’t maddening enough.  Young Professional and Bored.

The gayest video ever.  (Not my words.  The words of a gay Australian.)  Funk Jelly.

The nine most racist Disney characters. (It’s an oldie, but goodie.)  Cracked.

Hypocrite, party of doosh!  Wittle Cawwie Pwejean just can’t catch a break.  First the “oh noes! the wind blew my top off” nude photos. And then the “Wait a second, is that video camera filming me getting cornholed by [fill in the blank]?  Do I look okay?  You know how the camera adds 10 pounds.” And now in her new book she rails against the evils of pornography: “Our bodies are temples of the Lord. We should earn respect and admiration for our hearts, not for showing skin to look sexy … I have since learned that your outer beauty can only get you so far in life.” Yes, Carrie. Your body is a temple… for teenagers to jizz on.  Hey-oh!  Jesus is proud.  Celebitchy.

As my good friend and squeeperson justinsloe said: “Sammy Sosa has tested positive for being white.” [That deserves an "lol" and Cruise knows I hate "lol."  I don't mind "LOL" though.  If you're going to "lol", might as well go big.]  USA Today.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.