Giving thanks to Rock ‘n Roll!

Happy Thanksgiving, Squeers!  Since most of the Captains of this mystery ship are off for the holiday, I thought I’d take the liberty of gratuitously shoving my best friend’s band down your collective throats.  (His band’s CD Release party was last night, sheesh!) And without further adieu, I give you the Sights.  Enjoy!

Stuff is good!

Attention, Squeeples!  It has recently come to my attention that I am not as angry as I once was.  I know, I’m surprised too.  I even (occasionally) eat cupcakes now! (go ahead and gasp in shock and awe; I’ll wait.) Now, I don’t want ya’ll to think I’m getting soft.  Certain things still chafe my ass; the Toyota Prius, people who cry for attention, karaoke, telemarketers from colleges who call my phone 12 - 15 times a day (stop calling already!) after you fill out something online showing interest, etc. etc,.  So I’ve decided to share something I love, that you should too!

This week’s stuff I love is:  Man vs. Food!

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This aggression will not stand, man!

An ice-skating circus bear finally turned on his trainers killing one and mauling the other.

A bear from a Ukrainian circus performing ice-skating tricks

Then the police shot the bear in the face and killed him.  I’m going to have to side with the bear on this one.  People, animals are untamed!  They are wild!  Doesn’t anyone remember this lady? What about this man? I don’t care how much you think you can tame your pet Tiger (Benji Madden), it is going to eat one of your babies  eventually! And you’ll be crying “A dingo ate my baby” in no time!

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Strange, but true

Moons over… Germany?

Berlin, Germany - A 22 year old journalism student apparently missed the travel etiquette in his Frommer’s travel guide.  It all started when the 22 year old was kicked off the train for not having a ticket to ri-ide-ide.  So he did what any scorned traveler would do and pulled down his trousers and pressed his bare behind up against a window on the double-decker rail car.  Unfortunately for him, his pants became lodged in the door of said train car and he was dragged 200 meters, miraculously keeping his legs away from the wheels.  Luckily, a passenger saw what was happening and pulled the emergency brake.  He escaped with only cuts and bruises, and most likely huge fines for delaying the train and interference.  Let this be a lesson to all travelers, if you’re going to moon a train that will eventually move, do it at a safe distance.

Who’d a guessed it?

Berlin, Germany (again) - The sex industry in Berlin is going green, ya’ll! Several brothels in the capital city of Germany have been battling to avert the decreasing demand in their services due to the economic down turn.  The Maison d’Envie, or House of Desire for you non-fancy talking people, bordello is doing so by offering discounts to customers who arrive via public transportation or bicycle.  Just show them your padlock key or public transportation ticket to receive a Euro5 or $7.50USD discount.  Forget about taking advantage of that discount if you arrive on foot though, as they haven’t found a way to prove that you walked there.  My solution to people hoofing it and are really in need of a little bowm chicka bowm bowm?  Buy a padlock and carry the key with you.

Another brothel also tried to avoid the decline in business by offering a flat-rate for unlimited time with the prostitute of choice, but official’s raised concern about the worker’s rights and club’s cleanliness.  Hooker’s have rights too, ya’ll!

A-hah! This is why my counter is covered in empty cans

Moscow, Russia - Leonid Konovalov knows what it’s like to be down and out on the streets.  The 63 year old ex-engineer from the city of Kemerovo, started collecting nearly 2,000 bottles a day for the past year since Russia’s economy took a dive.  A glass bottle can bring in around 2 Rubles ($0.06).  After much encouragment from his grandchildren, Konovalov took a gamble
on the stock market and his first transaction paid off to the tune of 50,000 Euro ($74,120 USD).

Toyota Prius edition

Guess what, squeeples?  I’m back to hating things. And I found something I hate more than cupcakes: the Toyota Prius.  Every time I see a Prius on the road I immediately become agitated and want to speed up next to them and honk erratically until the unsuspecting driver of said Prius looks over at me, so I can flip them off.  That- or swerve into them with my tough-as-nails American made piece of moving machinery.  I’ve wondered on several occasions why I don’t carry a sign that says “Fuck you and your Prius” to hold up when I’m next to them.  I’ll tell you why I hate the Prius:

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Jorts Edition

Have you ever wondered why singular items are paired? I have. Just now I was talking with Cait and wondered aloud why things like jorts, jeans and sunglasses are paired. A pair of jeans. A pair of jorts. Why is it a pair? There’s only one! Nobody puts on two sunglasses. I know it’s probably just vernacular usage, but it makes no sense. Shoes are paired, earrings are paired. Not jeans! From this day forward I will never say a pair of anything that is singular. Screw the status quo! This aggression will not stand!

That is all; as you were.

[Editor's Note: Click the image for a larger look.  It's worth it.]

I’ve been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor, brooding over exactly how to write about this very serious matter, and I’ve yet to find the right words. But, it’s something I strongly feel needs to be written. So pardon me if it seems to be rambling.

On Sunday afternoon my brother’s best friend’s brother was accosted and kidnapped at 2:30 in the afternoon outside a Quizno’s not far from my home. He’s still missing. His name is Matt Landry.

While I have never met Matt, I know his brother Doug and sister Gina well enough. I wept earlier watching Gina speak to the news reporters about this ordeal, and it really hit home: this happening to people I know. You never think something like this would happen, and when you hear about it happening on the news, you feel sad and angry. I can’t explain how much more it rocks your core when it happens this close to home.

The despicable human being that is currently in custody for unrelated incidents is not speaking. He has been charged with armed robbery for holding up a Flagstar bank. Surveillance tapes show him holding a gun to a woman’s head. He was caught attempting to car jack a man outside a Wal-Mart not more than 4 miles from my home. The only reason he was caught? He didn’t know how to drive a stick shift.

Surveillance tapes show a 17-year-old boy in a gas station making two $300 withdrawals out of an ATM using Matt’s card, shortly after Matt was abducted. It also shows the boy buying and changing into a t-shirt. My brother and Doug went back to that gas station two days ago to ask the attendant questions. He had no information to give them.

To fuel the flames of anger and contempt, footage from the arraignment shows this piece of garbage spitting on the floor of the court room with a smug look on his face. (He is also wanted for other felonies). The Detroit police Department found Matt’s car yesterday, damaged and abandoned.

What infuriates me even more is wondering why people would do such horrible acts? It’s the age old question “What the fuck is wrong with people?” What happened, or didn’t happen, in this person’s life that would make him do this? Not just him, any person who does such unspeakable and horrific things to others.

To make matters worse, I have spent the past hour reading comments on the local news outlet sites and the general consensus has turned this into a race thing. The boy in custody is of Middle Eastern descent. It makes me angry that there are narrow-minded bigots in the world that have to take away the seriousness of the matter by slinging racial slurs.

That has nothing to do with the two main concerns of mine: 1) a 21 year old man is missing–a son, a brother, a friend, a loved one is missing. 2) There are people out there who would do things like this. White, black, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, alien–it doesn’t matter–there are people in the world who think its okay to take from others. To take someone’s life and livelihood.

I’m not going to sit here and mull over why people do such things, because I won’t get an answer, and I’m not going to pull a Miss America and wish for peace on Earth either,  but, a little bit of decency on Earth will suffice. I can only hope that when I wake up tomorrow and flip on the television, the news will be reporting that Matt has been safely returned to his family alive, and that justice will prevail, but I’m a realist.

People wonder why I have so little faith and so much hatred towards humanity.

Update: The body of a man was found not far from where Matt’s car was abandon with a single gun-shot to the head, execution style. Police are not saying if it’s Matt yet.

Update Update: Police have confirmed the body as being Matt’s.

Canada is not awesome Edition

After posting my reasons as to why the French are jerks, one of our favorite commenters was a bit upset because I said the Canadian military is as intimidating as the French military, and she gave us a list of 15 reasons why Canada is awesome. I’m here once again to discredit that notion, while adding a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has a few awesome things.

Note: This is in no way an attack on rumoUr or Canada; it’s merely a subjective list. Everyone is entitled to her opinion, but if it’s different than mine, it’s wrong! Thanks!

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French Edition

As a follow up to Deimos’ popular “French people are asked to smile” post, I thought I would clarify things for everyone as to why the French (namely Parisians) are notoriously dickish and universally hated.

(Note: None of these can be confirmed nor denied, but is anyone really going to tell me otherwise? :-) )

1. France is still pissed off because they have been irrelevant since 1940.

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Truly, Madly, Deeply

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees. They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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Children Edition

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

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10 Things I Hate and You Should Too, Edition

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

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Cupcakes Edition

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees.  They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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Cheap Wine Edition

This may be news to everyone, but cheap wine isn’t always good. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some cheap wine. Hell, I love Franzia (Chillable Red.) I can play the shit out of some Scrabble™ Cubes while happily drinking Chillable Red; but there is a fine line between good cheap wine and bad cheap wine. And that line is defined by twistable caps.  That’s it. (more…)

Karaoke Edition

Karaoke. The word alone makes people cringe. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not a Japanese businessman or because I have a tiny shred of dignity, but I hate karaoke.

What is it about people that make them enjoy throwing verbal bricks at the faces of people who have to listen to their totally offensive rendition of Nickelback’s “Rockstar”? As if that song is not shitty enough, the sadist in them goes bonkers when they see the look of complete disgust rushing over the crowd, so their next pick is “Freebird.”  The over 14 minutes long live version. Now don’t get me wrong; occasionally the elusive unicorn appears carrying someone who knows how to hold a note, but that’s few and far between. (more…)