About TS!
What We Are
Thundersquee! is an irreverent humor website created by The Hags, a malcontent group of miscreants who are fugitives from a Former Website That Shall Not Be Named. Thundersquee! chronicles the Decline of Western Civilization with a mischievous grin on its face. Thundersquee! delights in the quirks of the human condition, the “oh shit” moments that ultimately keep society honest. In keeping with these values, Thundersquee! enjoys an “anything goes” approach to pop culture coverage where perspective is queen, and content is always 100% author-defined. Thundersquee! exists to revel in the witty expression of opinion for the entertainment of social culture junkies worldwide.
Guiding Principles
1. Choose Funny
We are a collection of Hags who wholly understand that snark is a double-edged sword. Snark can heal and snark can kill— a fine line which we walk with grace and aplomb. We choose to embrace and celebrate life’s quirks while killing those same quirks directly in their collective face.
2. Be Excellent to Each Other
The beauty of Thundersquee! is in the extreme variety of voice and perspective. Each person who contributes, regardless of role, is an equal partner in Thundersquee’s! value equity.
3. Make You Pee
We speak up when shit goes sideways and consistently reach for the stars and pee-inducing hilarity. We hope to make you pee right where you stand, right where you sit, or in cases of emergency only– right in your own eyes.
4. Have a Fucking Party
We sincerely enjoy being funny, and we view each task as a new opportunity to make the entire Internet fall out of its chair laughing. We write, we laugh, we share, we say exactly what we want - without hesitation. We are not afraid to go there. So crack open a cold can of awesome (it comes in a can and tastes like barley and hops) and enjoy the ride.
Thundersquee! Contributors
ADDICTED TO ADDICTION: AtoA stumbled across The Hags in what can best be likened to a bar fight between two bands of bitches. The hags were obviously the baddest of the bitches and won by bricking each of the lesser bitches firmly in the face. Victory! Today, AtoA can be found at any open bar event, prowling the Applebee’s parking lot looking for continued bitch brawls or cutting some serious rugs in her living room. She is known to travel with string cheese.
APRIL: April is.
BEDBUGS AND BALLYHOO: Bedbugs and Ballyhoo is the love child of Edna Mode and Nacho Libre. Because of religious differences between the parents, she was put up for adoption a few days after she was born. Her adoptive parents were mild-mannered Yorkshire pudding types. They tried to shelter her from her lineage. This became increasingly more difficult with age, as BB&B’s love of capes, tights and boots came to the forefront. When the truth was finally revealed, BB&B was both saddened and overjoyed–saddened at the realization she had been abandoned by her own flesh and blood, yet overjoyed that she was not resigned to a life of sensible shoes and servitude.
CAIT: Cait lives in New Orleans with her husband (NFL Guy), two collies and a bolt-action shotgun.
No, you cannot meet the crack dealer a block over. Yes, you can park in her yard for Mardi Gras.
She is a fierce sports fan, an experimental cook, and a fan of all things musical. She feels Bobby Bowden should have run for president in the 2000 presidential election.
She thinks that the world would be a better place if everyone were a fan of DJ Soul Sistah and Rebirth Brass Band.
Most of all, she embraces the sheer notion of Hagifest Destiny.
COOTER: Cooter was trouble from the beginning, as she was a breach baby. She was born in a small town in Illinois to unsuspecting parents who had no idea what they were in for. That’s right; Cooter was an accident. She was never as pristine as her four other siblings. She’ll leave the gory details for another time–let’s just call them “drunken Cooter stories.”
The screen name “Cooter” is a dedication to her old cat that she and her husband befriended. They obviously didn’t realize that Cooter was a boy,
and had no idea the old alley cat would stick around for as long as he did. She guesses she never thought it through; she never guessed that she would be screaming out the back door “Cooooooooooooter! Come, Cooter!” Cooter the Cat’s life ended tragically one night when Cooter’s husband was coming home from work in a rush and ran over him. Thanks to Thundersquee!, his memory lives on.
Cooter prides herself on her short attention span, cursing like a sailor and generally making people uncomfortable. She enjoys making her infamous pineapple vodka, drinking Jack and cokes, and stumbling around while working in her garden.
DEIMOS: Deimos does not approve of bios as they are used by evil alien ninjas to track us. Deimos is a gentle creature that is rarely seen interacting with other humans. She enjoys keeping a small group of friends because she finds large groups bothersome.
Her favorite foods include pizza and pasta and she finds the taste of beer to be very enjoyable. Her natural habitat is in the valley of the sun stroke.
Not much more is known about this elusive yet easily accessible creature.
EVIL TWIN: People have been asking Evil Twin since the beginning of calculated time, “What happened to Good Twin?” The answer, “She bitched so much, she drove me nuts. I used to love her, but I had to kill her.”
Evil Twin is a refugee of the Newspaper Industry (R.I.P.), and is a hardcore news junkie, and pretty bad-ass trivia nerd, if she says so herself (and she does). She prides herself on remembering lines from movies, and is known to sprinkle them into daily conversation when friends and enemies least expect it.
She knew it was Fredo, she KNEW it was him.
JANET: Janet wasn’t technically “born.” Rather, she emerged fully formed from a cave in the wilder part of the forest, where even the deer are carnivores. She wandered south in search of food, and eventually made her home in a mossy trunk. After forming familial bonds with a kindly raccoon family, she emerged, sun-blind, from the darkness of the woods. She wandered aimlessly around the periphery of the suburbs, eating your garbage and knocking the cans over afterwards. She developed a taste for left-over pizza that lasts to this day.
After being discovered and re-integrated into human society, she wrote a best-selling poetry book: Hints from the Hinterland. She enjoys swimming, good wine, independent music, and shiny objects.
JUJUBEES: Jujubees was created in a Scientology lab using Tomba juice, a turkey baster and a tupperware container. That pop means it’s fresh and that she was released into the world to let everyone know the truth. Unfortch for the Scientologists, she ran to the nearest bar and the white vans have been chasing her ever since.
She has an irrational fear of gummy candies and is still working on a plan to eradicate their species. There is a danger she may either stick to the roof of you mouth or pull out a filling. That’s just the kind of bitch she is. She eats sarcasm for breakfast and is an enigma wrapped in a mystery with a crunchy shell and gooey center.
Due to her extreme awesomeness, her body has recently rejected some of it’s own organs due to their lameness. Seriously, who needs a gall bladder or uterus? Luckily these parts were not essential to sustaining life, so they will not be missed and she scored some sweet pain killers as a bonus. Let this be a warning to you, liver.
For fun she enjoys kicking people in the shins and running for no reason, as well as pretending to drown in kiddie pools. She has also spawned 4 little jujus so that the legend may live. Carry on, wayward children.
She hates the word, “Barista.” She doesn’t know why but it feels a little pretentious, and she enjoys ordering a large coffee instead of a “VENTI” coffee. She loves all things 80s and secretly misses the banana clip. She guesses the secret’s out now, so let her know if you find any. When not flinging witty repartee with the Haggi ones, she can be found tying herself up in knots so she can get her yoga on. She hopes to snark with each and everyone of you mortals. She must go as she hears the vans approaching.
KEEBLERKAHN: Not much is known of the early life of KeeblerKahn. Some say he was born in the wagon of a traveling show where his momma had to dance for the money they’d throw. Others claim he was born with a six-gun in his hand, which, if true, must have been a difficult birth for his mother. All that is known for certain is that he was born at an extremely young age.
Random facts about the life of KeeblerKahn:
In his late teens KeeblerKahn ran afoul of the Amish Mafia while trying to pass off Ikea furniture as examples of late twentieth century Amish woodworking to Japanese tourists.
KeeblerKahn has lead a vagabond lifestyle. Over the years, he has held jobs as a dishwasher, writer, apprentice to an erotic glass blower, game designer, and under the Clinton administration, he served as Minister of Soap to France. Recently he has taken up the mantle as the High Priest of the church of Gary Busey. When not attending to church business, KeeblerKahn spends his time as a nimble vagrant.
KeeblerKahn is an unapologetic fan of the 1970s super group ABBA.
The word of Busey be with you.
LILY THE PINK: Lily began life as a foundling raised by one of several secret societies of disguised pandas who are headquartered in the forested mountains surrounding Machu Picchu. To the nay sayers currently exclaiming “There are no pandas in Peru!” it must be said that no, there are no llamas in Peru. These pandas are good, aren’t they?
The Pandas named her “Invisible” in the hopes that nominative determinism would help her fulfill her destiny, and recognizing the beneficial nature of her thumbs, they raised her to be their protector and assassin. From an early age they forced her to learn the art of translucence, always thinking “ethereal” and “imperceptible” until the words and she became one and her mantra became the beating of her heart.
By the age of 6 she could blend into any environment regardless of the color or style of clothing she was wearing, and to this day she thinks that only pussies like ninjas wear black to blend into shadows.
By the age of the age of 8 she had mastered all weapons.
By the age of 15 she had honed her skills to a fine point and was lethal with whatever was at hand. The world had become her weapon, but as her signature she eventually chose carpet fibers.
By the time she turned 16 she had become the master assassin the pandas had hoped for, and did indeed live up to her name. For her 16th birthday the pandas held a Coming of Age Ceremony/Panda Mitzvah which primarily involved the smoking and ingesting of several psychotropic drugs, and while she and the secret society were enrapt by their hallucinations, they were attacked by a rival faction of marauding macaques disguised as vicunas. There were no survivors other than Invisible, and she was only left alive because they hadn’t seen her.
After several days of wandering she was discovered by a deforestation crew when they knocked down the thicket into which she had been blending and she didn’t have time to meld into the new scenery before she was spotted. She was eventually renamed “Lily,” and reintegrated into human society. She hasn’t touched carpet fibers since, and while she’s given up most of her panda habits, she still enjoys standing on her hands and peeing up trees.
LISA(#1): Lisa tends toward the paranoid and hates being in the background of strangers’ pictures. After spotting a Univision News crew, she once knocked someone over at Grand Central when she abruptly turned in order to avoid being “in the shot.” To that end – why the hell do you want to know anything about her? You fecking creep. The one thing she will pass along is that she learned it by watching YOU.
MAE: Mae is almost always angry…especially when it comes to cupcakes. She once stormed an elderly couple’s car, fists shaking, because they pulled their car in the exit she was trying to leave, instead of the proper entrance. The only time she isn’t angry is when she sleeps and even then she sleeps angrily. She spends her days being petulant and plotting world domination, hiding out in her lair with her plethora of jarred testicles she’s ripped from the loins of those less fortunate.
She has a healthy appetite for cheap beer, cursing and rotting her brain via television and an addiction to trivia. If inappropriate comments had a monetary value she would be wealthier than Oprah.
She is easily distracted by shiny and/or sparkly objects. Puppies are her kryptonite.
She enjoys taking IQ tests and trying to beat her high score.
She thinks Paper beating Rock is 100% horseshit.
NFL GUY: NFL Guy comes to Thundersquee! after writing stints at several national and local websites and publications, none of which he will name here since he’d like to remain as anonymous as possible. :-) But trust him, they would be impressive if you knew what they were.
NFL Guy’s passions are Cait, who he is married to (rather convenient, that); eating good food, which is a Kitchen Bitch specialty (convenient again, eh?); writing, which he gets to do for this site (also rather convenient) and football in general, which he gets to watch as part of his job (NFL Guy is big on this convenience thing).
NFL Guy is composed of an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Do not taunt NFL Guy.
SAR: Sar was a bubbly child with a noggin for schoolwork and an inappropriate lack of social inhibition. Over time, her sympathy for others and zest for life were tragically crushed to death in an aluminum can recycler. While adjustment to total misanthropy has been difficult for her, she is energetic and relentless in her pursuit of revenge on society.
If blank stares were collectibles, Sar would be wise to invest in a display case.
Sar has always had an uncanny ability to understand abstract ideas and use them to implement actionable plans. This skill has proven completely worthless.
1) Employs a method of celebrating victories known as the “Strip, Streak, ‘N’ Punch,” whereby she, umm, strips, then streaks through town punching everybody she sees in the face. Again, this is done in times of victory, but she has not ruled it out as a means of expressing disappointment, confusion or boredom. She just hasn’t done it for any of those things yet.
2) Dresses in a daily attire consisting of rollerskates, spangly hotpants and a bedazzled head thingy some might call a “tiara.” She calls it a “bedazzled head thingy,” and is pretty sure she’s right.
3) Has bonafides in Classy Ladyness that she will happily show you upon request, in the Applebee’s parking lot.
4) Loves yelling “suck it, bitches!” during activities listed above. Also loves ponies, puppies, chocolate-covered cherry cordials (the real kind, not that crap with the spoogey stuff in it.) Also liquor.
5) Lives in constant fear of Rosassins, and expects to die by their hands - but would still like an apology from Rosie O’Donnell before that happens.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Fueled by scotch, bacon, a superiority complex, an inferiority complex, and a healthy admiration for the Flat Earth Society, Stopthemadness spends most days bemoaning the lost art of the semicolon.
She questions whether Noah’s Ark was seaworthy, and attends regular therapy sessions to work through her anger at Noah for leaving the unicorns behind. In order to prevent her head from exploding, she exorcises her anger in her column, Angry Black Lady Chronicles.
She once successfully spit into the wind and seconds later experienced a weather phenomenon; one tiny raindrop hit her directly on the forehead.
