Serena Williams: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day. Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009. Stay classy, squeeple!

Next up are Serena Williams, Delonte West and Terrelle Pryor or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the doosh athletes who shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Serena Williams 

Finding words to decribe her epic rant on a female line judge – a rant that ultimately cost her a U.S. Open championship — isn’t exactly easy.  Especially after our own stopthemadness did such a great job of summing up earlier this year (Serena Williams will kill you).  So perhaps video will tell the tale best:

Among the jewels she blessed the world with, perhaps the most damning of all was the initial threat itself:  “If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.”

That’s the kind of thing we might say to someone if they’re threatening our family or raping our sister.  The calm-headed Williams used it during a tennis match.

Charming.

She looks so warm and caring here - what happened?

As is often the case in these situations, however, if she had simply let it go and owned up to it later, it probably would have been better for her (and not an international incident).  But spoiled athletes will be spoiled athletes, as they say, and this raving lunatic didn’t know that she had done anything wrong after the fact.

“I’ve never been in a fight in my whole life, so I don’t know why she would have felt threatened.”

Sure, that’s logical.  That’s like me threatening to blow up a plane, and — seeing as how I had never done so to that point — expecting the authorities to NOT bumrush me and taze me to death.  Then again, her confusion in this situation arose because this was apparently toned down behavior for her.

With no irony whatsoever, she offered:  “I used to have a real temper, and I’ve gotten a lot better … So I know you don’t believe me, but I used to be worse. Yes, yes indeed.”

If that isn’t frightening, I don’t know what is. 

Bottom line?  Her behavior was boorish, rude and downright scary … and it not only reinforced the old stereotype that most athletes shouldn’t be allowed to speak, it also reflected poorly on her AND the entire sport of tennis.  That’s big-time, right there. 

And then she followed it up by A.) blaming the referee for not being clairvoyent; and B.) revealing her anger would give the Emperor in Star Wars a chubby.  She must be a hoot to hang with around the holidays. 

So how dooshy do you think Serena is?   Ponder the case we’ve made, and add your own musings in the comments section. Later today you can vote for your Doosh— Serena Williams, Delonte West or Terrelle Pryor.

Tags: doosh, Doosh Thunderdome, NFL Guy, Serena Williams

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 PM and is filed under Doosh Watch 2009, First Annual Doosh Thunderdome!, Guy with Eyeblack, Thunderdome!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.