Rectum? Damn Near Killed’um!

A German steel worker has been given a nine months suspended sentence for firing an air rifle into his buddy’s asshole.

I’ll pause a moment so you can go back and re-read that.

OK, everyone on board so far?

Denis Schwarz, 25, said he only wanted to help his pal who had complained about sweaty buttocks from working in the Halberg Guss factory where molten metal kept temperatures soaring.

According to Austria Times, Mr. Schwarz said he had jokingly offered to help his friend cool down by blowing some air over him and said:

“We often played around with air rifles - it was just a bit of fooling around - I said I was going to shoot him in the bum. He said he didn’t care and I pulled the trigger and he just collapsed.”

“I suddenly felt this incredible pain - you can’t imagine it. I couldn’t breathe it hurt so much, you can’t know how happy I was when I got to hospital and they gave me an anaesthetic,” said his victim, according to the Times.

Prosecutors told the court:

“The blast of air burst his intestines causing massive internal bleeding. It was an emergency operation which the victim almost died from. He was in intensive care for 11 days. A big section of his large intestine was removed and he had to have a bag fitted to collect waste.”

Just so we are clear. The next time you and your friends are hanging out and one of them starts complaining about having a sweaty ass, firing a high-pressure air blast directly into their rectum (damn near killed’um) ISN’T a good idea.

Sometimes I weep for humanity.

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