Because It’s Not Obvious

I was listening to talk radio the other day and I heard an advertisement for a recently published book entitled Ten Reasons To Trust the Bible, and I laughed and laughed–I think the title of the book hilarious. I don’t know what the book is about, and I probably never will read it (I confess I’ve never read the Bible cover to cover even though I was supposed to for a Literature class in college), but it sparked the idea for this list. Many thanks to Sar for her invaluable help. -stopthemadness

1. It’s the Bible. People swear on it. If it’s good enough for the U.S. judicial system, it should be good enough for you.

2. It contains the Ten Commandments, the oldest top ten list in history. God created the original top ten list which spawned centuries of top ten lists (e.g., David Letterman’s nightly list, this one, this one, and the one you’re reading right now.)

3. It’s patriotic. If you don’t trust the Bible, you’re a Muslim turrorist.

4. It’s a lifesaver. Many a Bible-carrying Christian has been saved from a potentially fatal gunshot wound because the bullet got lodged in the Bible’s glorious pages and never reached the heart. Comparatively, the holy text for Jews, the Torah, is a scroll. The only thing the Torah has ever stopped is a mild spill, the kind where the water is slowly creeping toward the edge of the table, and isn’t really going to damage anything but you stick something out to catch it. Essentially, the Torah is a Bounty quicker picker upper paper towel and the Bible is a Kevlar vest.

5. It’s the oldest form of porn. The Bible was a sort of forbidden text (considering holy fools were always hiding it and whatnot), plus there’s a lot of sex in it (Shadrach begat Mesach begat Alvin and Simon who begat Theodore). What with all the illicit begattin’ going on, it’s no wonder the Bible was a big ol’ secret. It’s basically the stack of girlie magazines hidden under a teenage boy’s bed.

a. Sidequestion: Since the Bible was originally written in Greek and Hebrew, why are Jews considered such a big deal and the Greeks got the shaft? You never see a Greek guy and think to yourself “Oh, I bet he’s into the Bible.”

6. It’s hip. The Bible lists at least two Beatles, a third of Mark Paul Gosselaar’s name, and an archangel named after the King of Pop. It was ahead of its time, which makes it a hipster. If you don’t trust the Bible, you will suffer hipster wrath, which is the most pointlessly aggravating kind of wrath.

7. It has staying power. Part Two was just as good as the original. It’s the Star Wars of holy texts.

8. It’s about Jesus. And people love Jesus. Even if those people are whores. Just ask Heidi Montag.

9. The sheer tenacity of the people in the Old Testament who were forbidden from eating bacon. What kind of people can’t eat bacon yet still have the will to write a book? Trustworthy people, that’s who.

10. It’s rectangular. You know what else is rectangular? Sandwiches. And sandwiches never lie.

Tags: Best of Thundersquee!

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