The Science of “Defriending”
Grow Up, People
In the past few years, hoards of social networking sites have bombarded our lives and have brought with them some truly innovative ideas and forward thinking. We are able to promote businesses, reconnect with old friends, become involved in community efforts, track up-and-coming musicians, and so much more. But now that Facebooking and MySpacing and Twittering is commonplace, who is writing the rules of etiquette? Who is keeping the standard of so many everyday questions? These are questions which need to be answered.
A new movement of “defriending” has recently hopped on the table, in which one makes a solid action to “remove” someone as a “friend.” Is this an actual attempt to erase someone from your life? Do you think that if someone is no longer your “friend” that he or she no longer exists? Whether the reason is backed or not, your attempt at the ultimate “fuck you” actually makes you look desperate, pathetic and childish.
Social networking has somehow begun to erase the valuable practice of manners. People seem to think that since face-to-face contact is not happening, that it’s okay to be rude, dismissive and sometimes even cruel. It really is unfortunate that the Laws of the Playground are continuing to plague our lives through adulthood. Is passive aggressiveness really becoming the best that we can do? What happened to the good ol’ fashioned, “I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” What was so wrong with that? It was clear, to the point, effective. Defriending is a whole new era of rejection in which I am not willing to participate. To quote Paul Giamatti from Duets, “I’d say our society has lost its finesse.”
So, to close my bitter tirade, if you ever pass me on the street you’ll know it’s me because I’ll be the one pushing down all of the hot mens. It’s how you show you like them, right?
[Editor's Note: The original post and comment thread can be found here.]
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Tags: Best of Thundersquee!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 7:30 AM and is filed under Best of Thundersquee!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:59 AM
potato-sensei says:Let me just say (confess) that I ACTUALLY considered doing this to someone the other day. Why? Because they would notice. I knew it would actually affect them, and/or piss them off.
Why did I want to do this? I’m waiting for an actual confrontation. And I thought that by doing this, I might prompt an actual confrontation OR simply be able to duke it out online, which is my forte anyway, and I could just kick her ass with a keyboard.
But, not to say I chickened out, but basically, I just decided I really didn’t care, so I didn’t bother with the whole defriending bit.
I know our friendship is over. But part of the problem with the friendship being over is that the friend doesn’t have the balls to come forward and say stuff to my face. So why continue that pattern?
November 25th, 2009 at 12:00 PM
JfromCanada says:I don’t know, I’m of two minds when it comes to de-friending.
On the one hand, yes, it is really rude and unfortunate when people use it to “win fights” and such.
On the other hand, when I have 500 Facebook “Friends”, 475 of which I could really care less about, is it wrong to slim down the list? There’s nothing more irritating (and a bit sad) then seeing a former high school class mate filling out fifteen quizzes per day, every day, including “what sexual position are you?” and “how many times per week do you need sex?” As if that isn’t bad enough, when people agree to allow the third party application writers access their information, they can also frequently access friends’ information.
The other tragic occurrence is the old friend of your parents that adds you, and you think “hey, it will be nice to send the occasional note back and forth”, and then they proceed to comment on every single status update you make, commenting on what your friends say, etc.
I think non-malicious de-friending is a reasonable way to control the number of people who have access to you private information, because there is quite a bit of that on Facebook.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:23 PM
chelsea says:It’s very childish. It reminds me of bitter old people, also it’s hard to repair if you change your mind.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:26 PM
SeaKat says:I have to agree with you, J. I think it’s ok if they are people that you accepted out of guilt or with the expectation of minimal interaction and then you’ve thought better of it.
The problem is when people use FB defriending as a substitute for real life conversations.
Also, defriending can be necessary in the case of a bad breakup / divorce. And you may not only want to defriend him (or her) but also any of the friends w/whom you never formed your own realtionship.
After all, you don’t want to see the friend’s pics from a halloween party of your ex trying to look down Wonder Woman’s corset or trying to grind on Slutty Snow White, right?
November 25th, 2009 at 12:26 PM
chelsea says:What’s next desquee
November 25th, 2009 at 12:30 PM
Minty says:I only defriend people I no longer consider friends. For instance, if one of my FB friends starts spouting NeoNazi propoganda left and right, I’ll defriend them, as they aren’t someone I’d hang out with IRL. I’d expect them to do the same thing to me if they got tired of my yammering on and on about liberal politics.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:52 PM
SeaKat says:chelsea - I think of defriending people on fb as analogous to editing the Christmas card list.
If I drop you from my list and you don’t even notice, then what’s the harm?
And if I drop you from my list and you DO notice, then either:
(A) you are no longer my friend and I’ve told you why - rare
(B) we just never interact anymore and I’ve tried a few times but never heard a peep back. So if you want to get back in touch…well, I’m willing but the onus is on you now.
Do you disagree?
November 25th, 2009 at 2:27 PM
BlahBlah says:I’m with J and SeaKat.
I’ve defriended people and 99% of the time it’s because I’ve just realized that while you are very nice, we didn’t keep in touch after High School/ Middle School/ Summer Camp for a reason. I have no problem with you, but we just have nothing in common any more. There is no malice or game playing behind it, I just don’t see why I should be reading what you have for dinner and how many times your husband went to the bathroom if I don’t have any plan to ever talk to you again in person. I think this is perfectly legitimate.
November 25th, 2009 at 2:55 PM
stopthemadness says:ew, gross seakat. the anus is NEVER on me.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:10 PM
ramy says:i think it’s interesting/sad that we somehow collectively decided that it was “defriend” and not “unfriend” without actually having a discussion about it.
there is a massive international debate going on about which term to use, there is scorn and public outrage, people are in the streets! (i guess they’re always in the streets though it’s just how we get around)…
and yet we just bypass the whole conversation altogether. like a bunch of sheep. well, if you don’t care, then facebook doesn’t care either…
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/11/facebook_doesnt_care_whether_y.html
November 25th, 2009 at 3:10 PM
ramy says:i go with “unfriend”. only because i did originally before this became an issue and i have to stick to my guns.
but i am open to arguments on either side…
November 25th, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Mae says:< ^>o_O< ^> <– that’s me flipping doo doo feces off and giving him the stink eye.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:53 PM
SeaKat says:STM - That’s not what it said on the bathroom wall.
November 27th, 2009 at 11:08 PM
stopthemadness says:ramy-
there is corn? on the cob or creamed?
seakat-
that bathroom wall is a known liar.
November 27th, 2009 at 11:10 PM
stopthemadness says:that’s a joke i wish i could take back, but it’s already out there. there’s no decommenting.
i said it, and now i have to live with the shame.
November 28th, 2009 at 3:49 AM
ramy says:on the cob…
no question about it!
that’s this iowa boy’s $0.02.
November 28th, 2009 at 8:36 AM
potato-sensei says:Oh, dude! OMG. I forgot about 2 weeks ago I actually did have VERBAL confrontation with one of my mom’s friends.
She was all “Hey, Erin, how come you didn’t accept my friend request?”
And I was all, “Because I didn’t want to, Sherri.”
“I thought we were friends.”
“Nope.”
“I thought I was everyone’s friend.”
“You thought wrong.”
And, ok, I’m aware that that was rather harsh, but a. I really can’t stand this woman, and b. the only reason she would even want to friend me on fazzbook is so that she can has gossip about me. Which I am not cool with. I really don’t give a shit what people say/think of me, but if I can prevent gossip, Imma do it.
But thus is the downward spiral that is internet social networks. They start out great and then become horrible gossip mills. s’why I deleted my myspace.
November 28th, 2009 at 10:26 PM
lava says:yeah i was just friend requested by my brother in-laws girl number 2. i already had to invisible her on my yahoo IM. which i guess she didn’t quite grasp. and now she’s info-stalking me on fb too?? there’s no way in hell i’m friending this woman.
i don’t know where your man is.
i don’t know why he didn’t call.
i’m not passing on no damn messages.
how in THE HELL have you not figured out you’re girl NUMBER TWO dammit. he “had to go find himself” for 5 months while he left yo ass out in the cold and you’re still pining for him? beesh please!!