Truly Awesome 80s Shows

Updated with more awesomness. Due to a happy hour and kick ass special on mango margaritas I’m a little late with my update.

It’s time to go back, waaaaaay back, waaaaay back to the 80s. Let’s remember those shows we loved and/or hated but think back and go, awwwwww. And if you don’t remember, then you can look at the shows we watched and laugh and point.

The Love Boat

Love, exciting and new, come on board, weeee’re expecting you…

I remember they briefly tried to bring an updated version of this and it sank like Leonardo on a raft. This show was chock filled with glamorous stars, such as teh:

• Willie Ames
• Susan Anton
• Theodore Bikel (I know, I was sad I missed that one too)
• Tony Danza
• Lola Falanna
• Englebert Humperdinck

The list goes on but you get the idea of the fabulousness of it all. Every week guests boarded and the females were all lucky enough to be sexually harassed by the ship’s doctor. You could always go to the pool and get a cocktail and some finger guns from Isaac at the bar. And the sexual tension between Julie and Gopher could be cut with some sort of sharp cutting instrument.

There was enough glitter, sequence, and lame to make a drag queen cry. And in the end, love was always found. Except for the people who had to stay on board. Magic, pure magic.

Three’s Company

Come and knock on our door, we’ve been waiting for you.

Ohhhhh, Jack Tripper, how I miss thee. This show was simple and easy to figure out. There was always some “misunderstanding” of a sexual nature and their landlord, Mr. Roper was always threatening to kick Jack out. You see, Mr. Roper did not approve of opposite sex tenants living in the same apartment. Luckily they just pretended Jack was gay which lead to lots of hilarious inappropriate gay jokes. Please note the sarcasm as I would not like lots of hate emails. Dirty emails are another story. Let’s see: Jack tripped over lots of shit, Chrissy jumped around a lot, Janet….was…umm…there, and Larry was creepy. He gave all of his dates unclever nicknames. For instance, Trish The Dish.

Today, this show would be raked over the coals for misogyny and sexual discrimination. But back in the day, it was a fun show to watch, and to this day, I still want to open a bar named “The Regal Beagle.”

Dynasty

This was the epitome of grace and elegance. It was the height of the 80s, and I wanted to grow up and walk down a spiral staircase with a Nolan Miller gown complete with eye gouging shoulder pads. I wanted to die but really get amnesia and come back as Emma Samms.

The hats were huge and girl fights in ponds were all the rage. This show gave us a look into the life of the super rich oil billionaires. Everybody was having affairs and weddings in Maldavia. But I never got the chance to do any of those things thanks to a recession and shoulder pads going out of style. But we’ll always have the memories.

Solid Gold!

Another life long dream I never got to live out. I spent years in ballet and jazz and when this show came out I knew one day I would be a Solid Gold dancer. I wanted to wear a thong with glittery stockings, as I’m sure many of you did too. To do interpretive dance routines to the songs of Rex Smith and Rick Springfield. Didn’t we all want to be back a back up dancer for Dionne Warwick or Andy Gibb? But that ship sailed along with The Love Boat. Too bad and so sad.

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman

How awesome was Lynda Carter spinning around and fighting off bullets with gold bracelets? She flies in an invisible plane and ties criminals up with her lasso of truth telling. Plus, that was one kick ass super hero outfit and she was my first girl crush. Nobody can fill that outfit out quite like she did.

Great American Hero

Look at what’s happened to me, I can’t believe it myself. Believe it or not!

Not the usual guy being abducted by aliens and getting anally probed story. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you get a semi cool outfit with special powers and become a superhero. He’s just an average Joe with a little something extra. He’s not slick and often would fly head first into crap, but he always got the job done.

His uniform came with the powers of invisibility, telekinesis, super speed, x-ray vision, among other powers. He had an FBI sidekick and along with the his divorce lawyer, who later became his wife,  they fought crime like nobody’s bees wax. It was a cute little show and something to watch.

The Facts of Life

You take the good, you take the bad, and there your have…………..the facts about life. They’re all about you!

This was a spin off of Different Strokes. But it didn’t take long to forget about that and it ran for a long ass time. 1979-1988. Edna Garrett was the house mother of an all girl school but the show mostly revolved around their off school hours in the dormitory.

The two main girl were always bickering but underneath they loved each other. Take that statement as you will, you know what I’m saying. But the true stars were Tootie and Natalie and they always stole the show. They had many of the “Very Special”, episodes involving eating disorders, date rape, suicide, drugs, and the such.

Nice Mullet, Clooney.

Eventually everyone grew up and they opened a bakery/kitschy gift store along with George Clooney. They sold all types of neon blow up flamingos and pencils. Pretty much they sold a bunch of crap and there never seemed to be that many customers which is probably why it was canceled. People stopped buying the story but I will never forget Stacy Q guest starring and singing Two Of Hearts. Good times.

21 Jump Street

You gotta be ready to…….Jump, 21 Jump Street!

Or better known as “21 Hump Street.” Johnny was hot off his Nightmare On Elm Street high and he was Depprageous. They were a group of young-ish looking cops who went undercover at high schools  and colleges to crack down on all kinds of illegal shenanigans. Every show was a “Very Special” episode. There were hate crimes, various drug busts, child abuse, pretty much all of the abuses. At the end of every show, all the problems of youth were solved and they were off to the next school. And the kids were left with nothing more than the fading memories that once upon a time the hotness known as Tom Hanson (Depp) once walked their halls.

MacGyver

Quick, get me a cotton swab, baby powder, pocket knife, and a gum wrapper. It’s time to get MacGyver up in hurr.

MacGyver is a peace lovin’ secret agent and as such he will not carry a gun. He’s going to take care of business with his pocket knife, applied science, and whatever he can find in his pockets. And to this day whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation you can’t help but look around to see if you can “MacGyver”  a solution.

These are just a snippet of the shows of yore. What were your favorites?

Updates yall

Miami Awesome

Even though Hollywood tried to shit all over the memory of this show they did not succeed. You just knew as soon as you saw those flamingos running and those jiggling boobies this show was going to rock out with it’s cock out. There have been many great cop partners on tv but only one you’d want to take to an 80’s coke party. It was, Tubbs and Crockett, these guys arrested the bad guys and slept with all the guest stars.

Hey, remember when, Sheena “Sugar walls” Easton,was on? Good times, Good times. This show was super serious and there was super serious cop work going on but not much smiling unless they were trying to pump some prostitute for contact info. Ha, I said, “Pumping prostitues”.

The premise was simpe, Cops dealing with Miami’s drug trafficing, prostitution, muuuurder. There was a tone of apathy due too the rampant drug smuggling and selling. You get one drug dealer off the street and another one just poops up. I like the poop but I really meant pop.

It was a pretty kick ass show for that decade and it was always on the cutting edge as far as music and fashion. It left a huge mark and I felt it changed the way we see cop shows. Cop shows weren’t so sexyexcept my mother keeps trying to push her Kojak crush on me. Ewwwww. It was big bright and shint. Ohhhhh, I like shiny things. Cheers, Miami Vice.

Ps Tonights happy hour special are Mojitos. wooooooooooooooooooooo.

I just finished killing myself in the face for missing this masterpiece. Heather Locklear was not only on one of my other fave 80’s show, she was working on them at the same time. You know when shit’s going bad you bring on, Heather. Not sure if she still has that magic and I am looking at New Melrose.

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh

TJ Hooker!!!!!! Not only did this show have two high caliber weapons known as Locklear and Shatner. It also had, The Zmed. He was a fricking floating head on Passions. Try that, Denzel Washington. I think I just heard Denzel stepping off.

I’m pretty sure some cop type stuff went on and I do remember Romano and Stacy getting it on in one episode. But overall I watched it for Adrian and Heather. At this point they were pretty much stuffing Shatner into his pants with an industrial strength shoe horn.

In my brain I feel they used this show as the model for all the future Police Academy movies. It’s probably not true but I like to believe I know shit.

This next show is top secret……..

ch ch ch ch chiiiiii (jumping sound effect)

This show was actually on in the 70’s but I like to deliver. I’m just like those guys from brown.  Girlfriend had a super serious parachuting accident. I think it’s safe to say 99% of paracuting accidents are going to be serious. Pretty much when you hurl yourself out of a plane gravity is going to fuck your shit up.

Luckily for Jaime Summers, her ex-boyfriend was, Steve Austin. He convinced his bosses to reconstruct her. Ohhh, it cost our goverment 6 million to reconstruct, Steve but they never told us how much it cost to reconstruct, Jaime Sommers. You know why? Because she’s a woooooman. 

She could make crazy cool sound effects when she jumped and she could bend metal pipes. Aint that some sexist shit? This show was the original girl power. Jaime Summers could break Posh like a twig. I’m sure I probably could to that for all of 6.99. I’m like The Walmart Woman. I can get the job done for half the price.

Tags: 21 Jump Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Falcon Crest, George Clooney, Greatest American Hero, Johnny Depp, Jujubees, Lynda Carter, MacGyver, television, the 80s, The Facts of Life, The Love Boat, Three's Company, Wonder Woman

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 at 9:39 AM and is filed under Juju Bitches, TV Time. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.