Oops!…She Did It Again

I don’t know how I’m going to break this to some of you Squeers, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. Britney Spears lip-synchs her shows. Shocking, right? It’s kind of like finding out Chriss Angel isn’t a real illusionist. He’s just a douchebag with an unlimited Hot Topic gift card.

Now most of us would come to terms with these revelations and move on, but not Australia. This is a country founded by murderers and thieves, after all. If you’re going to pull the wool over their eyes you’re going to have to do better than a lackluster performance of Womanizer and Baby One More Time.

Twenty two year old Amanda Hawlet, who apparently doesn’t have access to television, the internet of the printed word was left seeing red, or whatever color Australians see when they get mad. Amanda drove from her home two hours away and spent almost $500 on a weekend to see Britney.

Now had she had access to any one medium I just mentioned she would have known that Britney is pretty much a textbook example of a hot mess and really shouldn’t be performing at all. When you buy a ticket to a Britney Spears show you are buying as-is Britney. If you think you are going to get the “Year 2000 Britney” in mint condition then you need to stop tossing shrimp on the barbie, because all the smoke is affecting your brain.

Amanda left only half an hour into the show, and others in attendance at the show in Perth last Friday had the same reaction. Here is Amanda’s take on Britney’s performance.

“I want my money back or I want her to sing properly,”

“The ticket cost me $200 and she lip-synched the whole thing.

“It’s cost me half a week’s wage and you’ve got bills to pay, but you look forward to this concert, it’s a night out - and what do you get? Nothing! It was a waste of $200 - I could have got four pairs of shoes for that.”

In Britney’s defense, she has a lot on her mind. Every time she loses track of Sean Preston and Jayden for more than five minutes she panics and starts screaming that ‘a dingo took her BABY!’

Plus she insists that everyone on the tour with her watches “Crocodile Dundee,” both the original AND the sequel every morning so they can “soak up the rich Australian culture” as she puts it. So Brit-Brit has a lot on her plate.

And now a special word from KeeblerKahn to the people of Australia.

::clears throat::

Get over yourselves. Do you people realize what it takes to get Britney coherent enough to even go out on stage every night? The girl has problems. She should be home with her kids working on her mental health but her family, managers and record company needs money so they shove her out on stage and make her dance like a monkey so they can keep selling CD’s and merchandise.

Now, I’m sorry Britney doesn’t live up to your high Midnight Oil, Men At Work and Icehouse standard of a rock concert. Maybe if you weren’t all so busy trying to steal cameras and wallets from tourists you’d know you should have never spent that kind of money on a ticket to her show. Of course it was a train wreck, it’s Britney Spears for Busey’s sake! Britney is four Red Bulls short of a six-pack on a good day. She doesn’t need your crap.

Besides, almost every singer nowadays sounds like shit live. Music is so tweaked in the studio that the only way it sounds even remotely right is if it is lip-synched. Let me give you an example, Amy Lee from Evanescence. I’ve yet to hear her sing live and hit the notes she does on their albums.

I’ll give you another example, Brooke Hogan. There is some seriously dark wizardry going on here when it comes to studio manipulation. I mean if you just listen to the songs it gives the illusion that Brooke is a chick! How is Brooke supposed to pull that off in a live show?

So back off Australia. Stop acting like your shit don’t stink. You’re making John ‘Worlds biggest Douchebag’ Mayer look like the voice of reason.

If you’re shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you.

I swear to Busey if you don’t get your act together Australia, you and me are done professionally.

Would now be a good time to ask if we have any readers in Australia? Feel free to sound off in the comment section below with your favorite “Crocodile Dundee” quote.

OK, maybe I was a little rough on you. Let me make amends by offering this traditional Australian folk song as a gesture of friendship.

God help us if the Australians ever catch on to the fact that models and actresses are photoshopped when they appear in magazines of print ads to give the appearance of perfection. It will probably end up playing out something like this.

Tags: Amy Lee, Britney Spears, Brooke Hogan, Crocodile Dundee, KeeblerKahn, Men At Work, YouTube

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 at 10:00 AM and is filed under Celebrity Shenanigans, Daily Whims. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.