Why NOT Attach Their Story To That Of A Rape Victim Who’s Been Held Captive For 18 Years?

Okay. I’m SURE I don’t have to tell y’all about Jaycee Dugard and the fact that she was held captive in a series of trash-strewn tents in her captor’s backyard since age eleven for the past EIGHTEEN YEARS and in that time had two daughters by her rapist/captor, Phillip Garrido, right? And I probably also don’t have to explain how horrifying that must have been for her (AND her children,) right?
Well. The guys at the OC Register (Mark Whicker wrote it, but it had to go through a series of people before it got the thumbs-up - which, sadly, it did) thought it would be clever to use that story as a vehicle for their list entitled “Many Odd Things Have Happened In Sports the Last 18 Years.” Let the hilarity begin!

The list talks about how JayCee was deprived of high-fiving, volley-ball spiking, and smacking a forehand down the line, whatever the fuck that means.
Here’s a helpful smattering of quotes from the article, and part of “The List,” (which you can read here, in it’s entirety,):

Can you imagine? Dugard was 11 when she was kidnapped and stashed in Phillip Garrido’s backyard. She was 29 when she escaped. Penitentiary inmates at least get an hour of TV a day. Dugard was cut off from everything but the elements.

How long before she fully digests the world she re-enters? How difficult to adjust to such cataclysmic change?

More than that, who’s going to explain the fact that there’s a President Obama?

Dugard’s stepfather says she’s going to need a lot of therapy — you think? — so perhaps she should take a respite before confronting the new realities.

So, Jaycee, whenever you’re ready, here’s what you’ve missed:

•Barry Bonds, who was just leading the Pirates to their second NL East title, wound up breaking Henry Aaron’s home run record. How did such a skinny guy manage that? We’ll deal with that later.

•Well, actually, some baseball players began taking drugs in order to hit more home runs and throw faster fastballs. Football players, who had cornered the market on most of their drugs, began driving drunk, slapping their wives, selling drugs, and killing people. The baseball players caught more grief.

•Michael Jordan did indeed win the big one, and five others.

•Yeah, this golfer really is named Tiger Woods.

•Stock car drivers now marry international models and are invited to the White House.

Yeah. It goes on and on, just like that. And you’ll never guess how it ends! No, I won’t make you guess. I’ll just show you:

Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard.

THESE PEOPLE WROTE THIS, PUBLISHED IT, AND THOUGHT IT WAS CLEVER.
I am actually too outraged to even try to be funny over this monstrosity.

Tags: angry vagina, doosh, douchebag, Jaycee Dugard, OC Register, Phillip Garrido, Sarah, sports journalism

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 9:54 AM and is filed under Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.