Cap’n Crunch Crisis
Cap’n Crunch, You sir, are a LIAR!
Our beloved Cap’n Crunch is under attack, y’all. “Great Odin’s raven!” you may be thinking. “Who would do such a thing to America’s third most revered Captain (behind, of course, Captains Kangaroo and America)?
Well, some halfwit who calls herself Janine Sugawara, hereinafter “Cap’n Dumbass” sued Quaker Oats for fraud, among other things.
Obviously not content to publicly shame one of our favorite Cap’ns, she has also set her sights on America’s favorite Quaker!
Best Quaker EVAR!
He'd like to talk to you about the 'beetus.
Cap’n Dumbass hauled Quaker Oats, the makers of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries into court alleging that she was mislead by Quaker Oats into believing that Crunchberry cereal contains actual fruit, and that after four years of shoving the incredibly painful cereal down her gaping maw (if you’ve ever eaten this shit, you know it’s like eating tiny delicious razor blades), she recently was dismayed–nay!–appalled to discover that the unnaturally bright pink, green, and purple balls of sugar and starch were not delicious juicy berries:
but, rather, sugar ball mouth-shredders:
Oh the horror, the horror.
I could go into some legal analysis about what her claims were, and what she argued, and what her dog ate for breakfast the day she decided to file suit, but let’s just skip all that and I’ll give you my ultimate legal opinion: SHE DUMB.
And so says the Court:
In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word “berries” it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term “crunch.” This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a “crunchberry.” Furthermore, the “Crunchberries” depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains “sweetened corn & oat cereal” and that the cereal is “enlarged to show texture.” Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.
Well, I, for one, think we should all rise up against our Sugary Overlords and let them know we shall not be silenced!
First of all, “Cap’n” Crunch is a fraud. My inside sources say he is not a captain, or even a “cap’n,” but that he only ever rose to the rank of private. That’s right. Cap’n Crunch is actually Private Crunch. Suck on that.
Second, booberries:
are not real fruit. Extensive research has found no “booberry” growing in the wild.
Same goes for frankenberries:
Also, I have it on good authority that Booberry:
is too high these days to inspire any real fright, and Frankenberry:
is a child molester.
views: 38
Tags: Booberry, Cap'n Crunch, Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries, Crunchberries lawsuit, Crunchberry, Frankenberry, legalese, Quaker Oats, stopthemadness
This entry was posted on Monday, June 8th, 2009 at 10:30 AM and is filed under Criminally Stupid, News You May or May Not Use. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:44 AM
Cristal Methodd says:I’ve learned long ago that those cereal corporations lie. Golden Grahams aren’t made out of gold at all, and Lucky Charms don’t get you lucky.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:53 AM
Chelsea - PETA Protector says:And do you know that Fudge Shoppe cookies aren’t made by elves in trees at all? Those bastards work in a factory, like regular food.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:55 AM
baby fish mouth says:wait WHAT? what about froot loops? that’s real froot, isn’t it?
how about berry berry kix? I mean it’s kid tested and mother approved for crap’s sakes! serious money went into that research! someone is going to answer for this!
June 8th, 2009 at 11:02 AM
Roxydarling says:1. Private Crunch? Sounds painful. Teehee. Ok, now that I got that out of the way…
2. At least now I know why all those pots of Crunchberries I planted last year never came up. Dammit. I wasted three whole boxes on that shit.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:36 AM
payter says:My son always gets upset when I say we are having fruit, and I don’t mean FRUIT SNACKS. My son would much rather like this lady’s idea of fruit.
STM you are correct - She DUMB!
June 8th, 2009 at 11:52 AM
SeaKat says:I’m sad to say that soldiers pointing to years of eating Quaker Oats as evidence still had their “conscientious objector” status denied!! SUE!! SUE THEM ALL!!!
June 8th, 2009 at 1:17 PM
cookiebees says:I can’t belive I fed my children this liars faux fruit berries just this weekend. Where can I send my strongly worded letter any my lawsuit for a million dollars? I will not have this. TREACHERY.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:11 PM
AdmittedlyAddicted says:I would like to post a grievance. I disagree with this statement:
“Who would do such a thing to America’s third most revered Captain (behind, of course, Captains Kangaroo and America)?”
There is no way, and I know I’ll have support if I know the hags of this site at ALL, that Captian Morgan is not in the top three Captain’s. And I don’t care that he’s Puerto Rican, I vote him in for honorary US citizenship, if for nothing more sturdy than the amount of time he spends in my house.
June 8th, 2009 at 3:15 PM
SeaKat says:So, essentially, it’s a common-law marriage, right? ;)
June 8th, 2009 at 3:40 PM
silent noodles says:So you are telling me my fruity pebbles are not in fact fruit? Why would Fred and Barney lie to me?
June 8th, 2009 at 4:15 PM
SeaKat says:sn,
I’m more upset that they’re not actually pebbles!! I bought a dag-gummed pallet of those at the super Kmart, cause we’re redoing our front yard and I wanted a gravel pathway, only in pretty colors, y’know?
And now I’m hearing that it won’t last through the first rainstorm?? Well, I guess it explains all the birds landing in my yard, lately.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:16 PM
baby fish mouth says:please, silent noodles. have you seen the hot pieces they are married to? fred and barney are probably sex crazed and trying to get into your pants. trust me, you do not want to run into them at a bar after 1am. the pickup lines are embarrassing, and often involve references to said pebbles.
June 8th, 2009 at 4:21 PM
TheHobo says:booberries.
Am I the only one reading that as Boob berries?
June 8th, 2009 at 4:42 PM
cookiebees says:I got a little captain in me.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:25 PM
stopthemadness says:I do apologize. It was my belief that I was still bound by the law of the high seas not to speak Cap’n Morgan’s name aloud as stated in section 5, subparagraph a of Rum’s Law.
Cappy is, after all, the rum that dare not speak its name.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:56 PM
shu_shu says:(not to buzzkill the joke, b/c it was funny)…I thought Puerto Ricans are US citizens?
June 8th, 2009 at 7:14 PM
Helen Skor says:I had a little Captain in me too, but then he just rolled over and fell asleep. It was a wholly unfulfilling experience.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:54 PM
rumoUr says:Oh, so they don’t count as one of the two to three servings of fruit you’re supposed to have per day? I guess that explains all those cavities.
I thought that too, shu_shu.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:34 AM
baby fish mouth says:I’m still confused about servings of froot.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:42 AM
AdmittedlyAddicted says:shu_shu, that is an excellent point.
SeaKat, he’s just the “sancho”. :) Unless immigration picks up the Mexican; he SAYS he was born here, but it would explain why he was never home when he was trying to deport the Capt…