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Posted by Lily the Pink on May 21st, 2009

And so do dogs

Adorable eater of faces

Usually when it’s a slow news day you get “Dog Bites Man” type stories, but one Knoxville news source seems to be confused about the placement of that “s.” In what one can only hope was the result of an attempt at running the most inane story ever to have existed, or a bet either won or lost, WBIR.com devoted time and space to a “news” story warning people dogs can bite. No, really–a serious news piece. The opening paragraph reads as follows:

“They can be cute and cuddly, but even friendly dogs can be unpredictable, warns the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP).”

First, thanks for that warning, American College of Emergency Physicians. I look forward to future press releases about the dangers involved in setting yourself on fire, and possibly an official announcement on the importance of breathing.

Second, thanks for collapsing that acronym for me, WBIR. I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own. Granted, I was still reeling from that mind blowing revelation.

Third, great, now I’m worried about the children. You told me they suffered the highest rate of being bitten, and that, in fact, millions of children get bitten each year. In the U.S.–alone. Statistics frighten me.

mad-dog

If you’re a parent or potential parent who has never encountered a dog, you’re surely as alarmed as I am and want to know what you can do to prevent your children from being bitten. If you are a parent who also owns dogs, chances are your child has been mauled on several occasions already and this isn’t news to you at all, but you’re probably dying to know how to save little Timmy’s good eye. You’re in luck, because WBIR has included handy tips on how to avoid a canine savaging.

The most helpful of these tips is “Just stay away from them if you can.” However, my personal favorite is, “If knocked over by a dog, roll into a ball, lie still and cover your head if possible.” I’m keeping that one in my wallet to refer to daily. They also say you should NOT scream or run from a dog.

From this I conclude that you should avoid all dogs, but if you can’t, lie down in the fetal position and quietly allow yourself to be eaten. As I said, the first part is helpful, but the last part doesn’t seem to help Timmy at all, let alone save his remaining eye. So, as a service to our readers, I will go the extra mile and offer some useful Do’s and Don’t’s to help keep your child out of harm’s way.

Thundersquee!’s Guide to Preventing Your Child from Becoming a Chew Toy

Dog refusing to bite baby coated in bitter apple

1. Don’t ever use a strange dog as a wet nurse.

2. Do coat your baby in something distasteful or toxic to dogs.

3. Don’t dress your toddler like a cat. It can neither run like a cat nor scratch like a cat, so don’t make dogs think it is a cat.

4. If you own a terrier, don’t dress your child as a mouse.

5. In fact, don’t dress your child as anything a dog might naturally want to kill.

Bad idea

6. Don’t, and I can’t emphasize this enough, bathe your child in beef stock.

7. Do institute a strict anti-poking policy. Don’t poke dogs with things, sharp or otherwise.

8. Do dress your child in a bite suit–always.

9. Do keep a slow moving decoy child with you at all times. Babysitting pays, if you know what I mean.

10. Finally, if you absolutely MUST own a dog, and at this point, isn’t that just asking for it? Do talk to Sarah; she can recommend a vet that is all too willing to pull its teeth.

If you follow these helpful hints yet fate and statistics still seem to have it in for you–and Timmy’s eye–WBIR provides what is probably the handiest of all their tips: If your child is bitten, “seek medical attention.” For those who might need more, I offer, “call 911.”

Tags: dog bites, dogs, Lily the Pink, Lists, ltp, no news

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 7:29 AM and is filed under News You May or May Not Use, Wistful Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

11 Responses to “Local News Bites”

May 21st, 2009 at 7:38 AM
cookiebees says:

This is a travesty. A TRAVESTY. They make you get a license for a gun and put a warning on cigarettes. Where are the warnings when you buy one of these? I currently have two fuzzy face eaters residing in my home. I’ll never be able to sleep again knowing I could wake up with my face gone. The horror. THE HORROR, I SAY.

I’m going to stop stuffing meat in my 4 year olds pockets. That’s just the kind of mother I am.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:45 AM
queencrone says:

In other news, running with sissors may cause children and adults to poke out their own or someone else’s eye.
This statement was just released from the worldwide M.O.M.
organization.

Also, they warn that you must always wear clean underwear in anticipation of an unexpected trip to the emergency room.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:05 AM
Lily the Pink says:

cookiebees: Ooo! Great hint. I wish I had thought of that for the list. Consider it officially included.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:11 AM
cookiebees says:

After 4 kids you learns lots of safetly lessons. By the way people. Never dry your hair in the bathtub.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:44 AM
Stay, see? says:

I forwarded this to my pregnant friend. Consider it my good deed for the day.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:18 AM
Roxydarling says:

I wonder if the fetal-position strategy works when approached by one of the infamous cuddlerapist dogs? I’m gonna suggest that it’s important to aim your hunched-up self in a corner, for maximum protection, in that situation.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:30 AM
Helen Skor says:

Roxy, unfortunately the fetal ball method doesn’t work. Said cuddlerapist will just spoon you.

I must immediately have Isabelle Skor put down, because we MUST put the children first. (Even if we don’t actually have children of our own.) I’m going to miss her. She has been a good dog when she wasn’t gnawing off the faces of small neighborhood children.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:57 AM
oilybohunk7 says:

Here is the article on the improtance of breathing that you were waiting for: http://failblog.org/2009/05/21/obvious-fail-2/
May 21st, 2009 at 2:16 PM
Lily the Pink says:

oilybohunk7: Now that I know it’s doctor recommended, I’m going to make it a point to breathe on a regular basis.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:17 PM
Lily the Pink says:

Helen Skor: Don’t do that. I will take her and make sure she does no harm. ;)
May 21st, 2009 at 6:10 PM
shu_shu says:

I can’t express to you how HARD i laughed during this entire post. Literally had tears in my eyes. I think it was the “Cute Dog plus Child equals Face Eating Zombie Dog” that set it off. And now every time i look, i giggle.