The Science of “Defriending”
Grow Up, People
In the past few years, hoards of social networking sites have bombarded our lives and have brought with them some truly innovative ideas and forward thinking. We are able to promote businesses, reconnect with old friends, become involved in community efforts, track up-and-coming musicians, and so much more. But now that Facebooking and MySpacing and Twittering is commonplace, who is writing the rules of etiquette? Who is keeping the standard of so many everyday questions? These are questions which need to be answered.
A new movement of “defriending” has recently hopped on the table, in which one makes a solid action to “remove” someone as a “friend.” Is this an actual attempt to erase someone from your life? Do you think that if someone is no longer your “friend” that he or she no longer exists? Whether the reason is backed or not, your attempt at the ultimate “fuck you” actually makes you look desperate, pathetic and childish.
Social networking has somehow begun to erase the valueable practice of manners. People seem to think that since face-to-face contact is not happening, that it’s okay to be rude, dismissive and sometimes even cruel. It really is unfortunate that the Laws of the Playground are continuing to plague our lives through adulthood. Is passive aggressiveness really becoming the best that we can do? What happened to the good ol’ fashioned, “I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” What was so wrong with that? It was clear, to the point, effective. Defriending is a whole new era of rejection in which I am not willing to participate. To quote Paul Giamatti from Duets, “I’d say our society has lost its finesse.”
So, to close my bitter tirade, if you ever pass me on the street you’ll know it’s me because I’ll be the one pushing down all of the hot mens. It’s how you show you like them, right?
views: 120
Tags: Addicted to Addiction, defriending
This entry was posted on Friday, March 6th, 2009 at 9:00 AM and is filed under Love Lust and Havarti Dill. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:33 AM
Chelsea - PETA Protector says:In theory, I want to agree. But alas, I’m a huge fan of passive aggressive behavior. It’s pretty much my life. So I’ll ‘friend’ someone on facebook or myspace or whatever, but I sure won’t ever accept any of their apps, or reply to their messages, or attempt any other form of communication. Oh, and if they’re worth it, I’ll talk about them behind their back. Beat that Playground Rules.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:39 AM
SeaKat says:OK, so here’s my question: What do you do when you’ve accepted friend requests that it’s just too awkward to ignore? (in-laws, one employee at a small office that you didn’t really like…but you’ve friended EVERYONE else there….etc.) ?
Facebook has turned into a weird amalgam of people I used to know, people who know me through my husband, etc. and ACTUAL friends. I’ve back waaay off of using it, for that reason. I AM considering de-friending folks, but I agree that it’s cowardly to just defriend and hope they don’t notice.
So what do I do? Send an email? “Hey, you may have noticed that I’ve de-friended you. Here is the reason: blah blah blah?”
To paraphrase Keanau:
(read with glazed eyes and minimal affect)
Whut do I do? WHUT do I DO?
March 6th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
Addicted to Addiction says:FYI, I am more referring to “defrending” as a direct result of something. Not to someone you don’t know well, because who cares? But if you are dating someone or are legit friends with them, and then “defriend” them as an outlash… well, then you’re just an idiot. To me. In my opinion.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:48 AM
SeaKat says:Soo…. that’s a vote to defriend those folks?
Seriously, people, I need guidance! :)
March 6th, 2009 at 9:51 AM
vodkafanta says:I recently defriended my aunt on Facebook cause she kept sending me creepy applications.
No, Joan, I don’t want to know if we share the same favorite sexual position. And I don’t want the Christmas Thong you gifted me. De. Friend.
However, I totally agree that it’s complete and total BS to defriend a real friend as a passive aggressive strike. My best friend broke up with her boyfriend, and the next day all of his friends de-friended her. Classy, guys. :P
March 6th, 2009 at 9:53 AM
vodkafanta says:SeaKat: Defriend! No email, no explanation. No remorse. But, like Chelsea, I’m passive-aggressive. :)
March 6th, 2009 at 9:55 AM
queencrone says:I say never defriend. It’s not like you have to buy all these “friends” christmas presents or anything.
Or do you? Do you have a limit? I don’t have Facebook. So I really don’t know.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:57 AM
shu_shu says:Lol. I think that Facebook may have come up with a solution to this.
There is a link at the top of my home page that says “check out the new changes to the homepage” or something like that. Anyway, I clicked and it looks like they are going to let you “filter” your friend list. So, if you want to hear less about Aunt Joan’s favorite sexual position (I just threw up a little) you could just “filter” her out, but still spare her the humiliation of being de-friended.
Did anyone else look at those changes? Is that how you read it, too?
March 6th, 2009 at 10:02 AM
SeaKat says:shu_shu — you have given me HOPE!
vodkafanta– you have given me the willies! (Well, your Aunt Joan did, but you’re the willy-bearer. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. Anyhoo…)
I don’t care about the old highschool classmates…I doubt they’d notice. But the in-laws would and so would the ex-coworker. (I’m one of, like, 12 friends. And 6 of them are the other co-workers.) So if I can FILTER… yay! I can make stupid puns and snarky remarks w/o concern! Whoooot!
March 6th, 2009 at 10:05 AM
shu_shu says:Lol. Seakat…just out of curiousity, the in-laws don’t read Thundersquee, do they? Because if they do, the jig is up! ;)
March 6th, 2009 at 10:10 AM
TheHobo says:I had a situation where a real-world friend who I was having some issues with posted a livejournal blog all about what a horrible awful person I am. I’m sorry, she wrote about “a certain person” she is done with (and not professionally), and that “they” were selfish and unreasonable and need help (probably professionally). It was very obviously about me, and pissed off a bunch of people besides me, one of whom wrote her own blog about how she was gonna delete BlogBitch’s ass. And then she did.
I also defreiended BlogBitch on every friend thing she was on, but it took me a while since I was trying to see if BlogBitch would ever apologize or at least, you know, delete the post. Nope.
And no, I didn’t tell her I was defriending her, or why. I just hit the old delete. I think she knew why anyway :-P
But social networking takes passive aggressive to a whole new level. I’d much rather someone tell me how they feel to my face.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:11 AM
SeaKat says:Shit. I don’t think so. I’ve tried to keep it on the down-low.
(Is there ANYthing sadder than albino-white, middle-class soccer moms using 10 year old urban slang? No, dawg. There isn’t.)
March 6th, 2009 at 10:12 AM
Skaði says:I don’t do too much on Facebook. I ignore most applications, and I don’t use it to communicate with people. I do use it to put up pictures of my baby for those who never get to see him.
Anyway, I have defriended people on Facebook, but only after lines of communication have already been cut. The first time was when a group of women I talked to (mothers of babies also due in March ‘08) got in a huge fight. I made the mistake of telling the person who started it and wouldn’t drop it that she needed to step back and look at the other side, so she and others that also apparently secretly hated this one woman (for being a liberal, whoop-te-do) decided they were taking their toys and going home. They made it quite clear they didn’t want to friends with me, so I obliged by removing myself from their lists of friends. The second time is when the girl who was supposed to be my best friend told me she couldn’t be friends with me because I wanted her to apologize to my husband for insulting him. Again, I acquiesced to the end of the friendship and made sure I wouldn’t ever have to see her name ever again.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:13 AM
SeaKat says:TheHobo. OUCH!! Does facebook have a “face-scratching, hair-pulling” app?
Because you could have used that.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:19 AM
oneofthevoicesinmyhead says:I’ve defriended someone, but I also defriended them in person first. It was full on replete with expletives and a detailed descripton of why they were no longer my friend type aggressive–definitely not passive aggressive. Then I removed them because I didn’t want to be confronted with their treacherous, sucky face everyday.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:32 AM
stopthemadness says:Seakat-
You shoot the hostage and then maybe those friends you want to defriend will defriend you first. You know… because of your propensity for actin’ the fool.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:47 AM
TheHobo says:Dude!!! Someone needs to get on that app right away! I also want pushing, eye-gouging, plain old posturing, and “no she didn’t!”ing. :-P
March 6th, 2009 at 11:02 AM
DonnaMartin says:on my facebook, i have the settings for certain people set so that they can only view certain of my information. like, they can see my basic profile, but can’t see any other shit and can’t see any wall postings or anything.
also, i do not accept applications from anyone. i have blocked almost all facebook applications. it makes it a much nicer experience. no, i don’t want to join your fucking vampire army. please die in a fire.
so yeah, there’s hope!
March 6th, 2009 at 11:06 AM
DonnaMartin says:i have also defriended people because their facebook statuses/stati bothered me.
“I am so much working to do LOL”
or
“please remember to tell someone you love them today.”
i’m thinking “please remember to die in a fire.” DEFRIEND.
but these are not people who i am friends with. they’re people i apparently smoked weed and sat around in drum circles with like back in 1993.
sorry y’all. i’ve learned that birkenstocks aren’t real shoes and that being able to braid one’s armpit hair is not okay. and no, i do not want to accept your l’il green patch.
DEFRIEND.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:35 AM
sar says:I defriended Paris Hilton. She knows what she did.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:07 PM
paris hilton says:was it not ok for me to ask what the growth was?
March 6th, 2009 at 12:57 PM
HolyChow says:Man, I feel sort of dooshy now. I defriended this kid I was friends with in high school. He, turns out, lives in my neighborhood now. Anyhow, after friending me ne never responded to my emails and such - and I noticed he friended like our whole graduating class. As I don’t want to be found and bothered, DEFRIEND (as Donna said). Anyone remember those old Depends commercials? It said, “Depend, depend!”? Now I am singing DEFRIEND!
March 6th, 2009 at 1:02 PM
baby fish mouth says:I haven’t read all the comments but I would like to state that I believe Facebook is basically a graveyard for the people you don’t want to know about anymore. I have like 300 some odd friends, and I only give a crap about maybe 30 of them. The rest I just see status messages from and roll my eyes, and thank God I’m not in their lives anymore.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:04 PM
SeaKat says:LOL! Wait. Shit. Did I make it into the top 30? Shit.
Don’t you roll your eyes at me, missy!
:)
March 6th, 2009 at 2:11 PM
TheHobo says:DM: Share! How do you set levels for certain people? I have a ton of family on facebook (you really gonna reject Auntie’s request?) and I don’t want them to see EVERYTHING.
Also, I’m sorry to everyone I have sent greenpatch requests to, because now the fuckers won’t stop sending me plants and I’m tired of accepting them. Also, the little plant-people weird me out and I don’t like the idea of people being in a garden–what are we growing here people? Are we saving the rain forest or taking part in some sci-fi experiment where we have genetically altered humans to be melon-heads (literally)? Stop creeping me out!!
March 6th, 2009 at 3:31 PM
DonnaMartin says:the whole application thing was sort of fun for about a month. i too was guilty of asking people to be a zombie or sending stupid bumper stickers. but it got old really quickly. i have a strict no application rule– i may have broken it once or twice for certain people only–but usually no applications and i say no to all event invites.
it’s like, dude. you’re in nyc. i’m not going to your fucking show. give me a break.
now i use facebook solely to harass people with links and wall posts.
go to privacy settings and profile and you can click “customize” and customize the way individual people see your FB page.
you’re welcome.
:)
March 6th, 2009 at 4:28 PM
TheHobo says:Thank you bunches!!! :-)
March 6th, 2009 at 6:59 PM
shu_shu says:And dang…now I”m scared to ask any of you to be my facebook friends!
March 7th, 2009 at 12:21 AM
rumour has it says:I see nothing wrong with defriending someone you barely know or someone you’ve lost touch with over the years and they only added you to increase their friend numbers. There is no need to explain your actions and it’s not bad manners to do so. I equate it with a phone number.
I do defriend people on occassion and usually they are people I barely know and I don’t know why I accepted their friend request in the first place or I find out things about them through their facebook that I am totally against like sexism or racism, so bye bye to that.
Also, I don’t want to have a list of like 500 friends. I really like to keep the number low so the people I want to keep in touch with and share things with can view my facebook page and not the complete stranger I met once at a party. Also, I’m lazy and when I do the invites on Facebook, it’s easier for me to find the names of the people whom I want to invite.
But I can see why it would be hurtful if you’ve been friends with someone for a long time and then they defriended you without a word. Of course, I did that to someone whose feelings I hurt, but she’s a phoney, so I didn’t care. I’m cold like that.
Oh and one time I got this long ass email from a high school friend who asked why I wouldn’t accept her friend request on Facebook. We hadn’t spoken to each other for almost 15 years because she dropped me as a friend. I didn’t reply to her email for two reasons:
1) Who needs drama when you’re not a teenager, like seriously.
2) I knew it would drive her crazy if I ignored her. I’m evil like that.
Anyways, there’s my 25 cents (inflation, you know).
March 7th, 2009 at 5:45 PM
baby fish mouth says:“No, Joan, I don’t want to know if we share the same favorite sexual position. And I don’t want the Christmas Thong you gifted me. De. Friend.”
THAT WAS GREAT.
SeaKat you are TOTALLY in the top 30. And I want to be shu_shu’s friend.
March 7th, 2009 at 5:46 PM
baby fish mouth says:I have only ever defriended one person, and that’s because he took a totally innocent joke as an opportunity to bust on his mom, on my wall. He bragged about defriending her, and I love her, so I defriended him. I don’t feel bad about it.
March 7th, 2009 at 7:34 PM
shu_shu says:You can totally be my friend bfm!
Speaking of facebook, what’s up with the 131 people who have not responded to the TS Group invitation? Apparently, some of us are too good to publicly align ourselves with the Squee? What gives?
Also, I might start randomly friending people from the TS list. Lol.
March 7th, 2009 at 8:03 PM
SeaKat says:I totally agree with randomly friending folks from the TS list! Hey, you like TS, I probably like you! :)
I made the top 30!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo(breathe!)oooooOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!!
I’m a little dizzy now. But happy. :)
March 7th, 2009 at 9:01 PM
baby fish mouth says:how will i find you shu shu?
March 8th, 2009 at 10:15 AM
rumour has it says:Question: If someone defriends you, do you get a note that says “So and so just defriended you.“
March 8th, 2009 at 5:11 PM
Addicted to Addiction says:RHI, nope. You get nothing. You stumble upon the fact that you aren’t friends by happenstance. And usually it’s laughable.
March 8th, 2009 at 7:28 PM
Mae says:I always wonder who defriends me on Myspace. So I can send them a “Well, fuck you too!” message. I should email Tom and ask him for a “look whos defriended you!” link. They already have a ton of useless shit anyways.
March 11th, 2009 at 7:15 PM
shu_shu says:Bfm! I left you a message on the facebook TS board! You can send me a request if you want and then we can voyeur each other’s lives. Mwahahahhah! :)
March 11th, 2009 at 8:14 PM
baby fish mouth says:huzzah!!!!